WHT IS ANOTHER HAPPY ENDING ABOUT & WHY DID YOU WRITE IT?
You were kind enough to post a very in depth answer to that question when it was still a manuscript on January 9th, 2024, my mother’s birthday, a present to her as I neared the one year anniversary of her death. The shorter version for the here & now & very special day that manuscript has been transformed into a book born into this world is that after the two most difficult weeks of my life, which began, coincidentally, just after my father’s favorite number, 729, in reverse, I entered Harlem Hospital. September 27th was a heavenly date for me & the man I had fallen in love with. What he & I did together in the ten years prior, after we-reconnected, was nothing short of otherworldly & that divine night gifted a real & very true magical carpet for him. By Sunday morning of what turned out to be a soul crushing weekend though, it began a brutally painful breakdown. In hindsight I was able to see it very much needed to happen so that the process to build myself back up could finally begin which, up to that point I had refused to acknowledge was as broken as it was. I had been creating scene cards for him, after writing privately to him for years, sharing some of the most intimate details of my life. Those ‘scenes’ were actually real life experiences & memories I rounded & re-rounded, over & again, many of the most significant experiences that had shaped my life. The constant looping…re-visiting of my past, reviewing & re-living, so many times, for so many years, wound up a powerful reversal & backward spiral in my life by that point. Trying to move through my present day dealing with the distressing circumstances & disturbing experiences that continued to pile upon one another while same time I continued traveling back in time & mind, as I waited for word from another, eventually became too much. I had been so devoted, for so long, to changing some very unhealthy aspects of my life, & in the fall of 2019 God helped me finally face myself, & an excruciating truth, in the mirror: I had reTurned to an unhappy, very unhealthy life. The book shares the journey to & then through that place and reflection.
HOW DID YOUR DAD’S DEATH AFFECT YOU?
The day after he died, which was Holy Saturday, 2009, one of my trusted spiritual advisors called me on Easter Sunday morning to comfort me & help ease my grief. She shared that after I moved through my mourning, the potential to become even closer than we had been while both were alive would be there for me, if I would stay open to that possibility. And that is exactly what happened. I have no doubt it was because my father & I had talked thru a lot of familial ‘stuff’ together before he died. I wasn’t hanging on to any regrets with him, no anger, no woulda coulda shoulda’s, no ‘what ifs’. We had forged a beautyfull relationship. One I shared a bit about in my first book. While the loss of his physical presence remains with me, & I’ve no doubt always will…there isn’t a day I don’t wish I could have another real-life conversation with him & actually hear his voice, get another human hug from him or sit across the table from him & chat about anything & everything…but what a gift bestowed on me, to feel his non-physical presence so strongly. He was able to assist me in ways that would not have been possible in his physicality. It was on the heels of his death that I devoted myself to honoring a promise I had made to him on his deathbed. A change of life he had been helping me babystep toward in the few years before but I had been unable to fully embrace. His death was the catalyst to finally take my last few steps into a new life he knew I wanted for myself, which could only ever happen for me if I summoned my courage to end my marriage to a very good man I loved very much, but one I was not in love with. I’ve shared it before, privately & publicly…his death gave me a second chance at life…he died, in part, so I could live. And I still believe that with all my heart. This 2nd memoir shares how my dad not only gave me life, then gifted me that second chance, but in a most beautyfull trifecta, my gambler father then saved it as well when my life turned really far back…in real time, in my very real life, not just truly, or metaphorically, backward, after agreeing to allow my ex-husband to return to our home as my roommate after ending my marriage & not long after committing to wait for the man I had fallen in love with to end his.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO ANYONE GOING THROUGH GRIEF OF A LOVED ONE?
My experience with mourning was very different with each of my parents. While my mother & I were nowhere near estranged, I did have some long standing, unresolved issues with her which certainly affected my grieving process. And to complicate things, that I chose the man I had fallen in love with over her after some old family issues that had circled back forced me to face a choice, it made the situation even more painful & complex. Even though at the time it certainly didn’t feel like a present in the heartwrenching pain that came with some of those choices…being given the opportunity to choose again, & make some important decisions now, differently than when I was a younger woman, when some dysfunctional childhood ‘stuff’ presented itself again, I’m able to embrace was very much a gift from God. The chance to choose again isn’t something that is always possible. My friend Bridget, paralyzed from her neck down after a car accident in high school taught me that precious lesson. But, even in that truth, I honestly believe we all do get second chances (third, fourth & more too!), much more often than many of us tell ourselves we get. Every sunrise holds that present. And even though it strained my relationship with my mom in our last few years together, my choice paining her heart I’m pretty certain as much as my own, I’m grateful I was well aware of that preciousness.
After she passed, trusting even in death you can heal relationships was what eventually moved me through that process with her. That she & I had begun some of that mending before she died, & that I had moved through some of the journey to address some of our old ‘stuff’ here together on earth helped immensely, but I feel no matter where one is on that healing spectrum with whatever relationship has been altered by physical death…it is possible to full circle closure if it is desired, & intended, by the person ‘left behind’. Now it’s not just my father on the other side whose hand I feel on my shoulder as I make my way, but, my mom is supporting me in ways she was never able to while she was here on this earth. My advice to anyone trying to move through mourning & grief is to trust that you can make it to that place…of peace, reconciliation, redemption, forgiveness, whatever it is that might have been missing from the relationship at the time someone you love has died. It is possible. That potential does not die with the death of one of the people in the relationship. Death does not have to end the journey between the both of you. The energy of love never dies. And, while getting whatever assistance is needed to keep hold of that trust as you’re making your way whether through the sheer pain of loss alone because it was a beautyfull, healthy relationship, or is compounded & complicated by some dysfunctions that may have played a dominant role in it, & as a result may include some debilitating feelings you may be carrying on your back along with the sorrow like guilt, regret, remorse, anger, or betrayal, the kinder & gentler you can be with your own self…the more it will affect that journey in a positive way. That loving kindness, the gentility, & generosity you give to yourself will allow you to more easily give it to others, whether they are deceased or alive. Some may feel that advice is kinda moot since it should be a given but is my experience many of us have a very difficult time doing that.
HOW DO YOU STILL CONNECT WITH YOUR DAD?
My youngest son shared with me once that he told a friend, ‘my mom finds her dad everywhere’. It was, & remains true. Ever since that beautyfull gift from Mac, I’ve never been able to hear Tim McGraw’s song Everywhere, the same. Music had played a major part of our relationship’s metamorphosis before he died, & it continues as probably the most powerful way he communicates with me now. Whether it’s a line from a song that speaks directly to a question or concern I’ve just shared with him I wanted his help with at the exact moment I turn on the car radio or enter a store, or a song itself that was symbolic to us as we transformed our relationship while here together in his life, or a specific artist who catches my attention that might trigger a remembrance of his advice, a memory from a past conversation, precious moment together or shared visit. Second to music, since I’m a runner & is often the time I use to not just calm my mind & center myself but also communicate my wants & desires & prayers for assistance it is the time I will use to stay connected to him. I walk more than run these days, because of permanent leg issues after a severe knee trauma prevented its ability to move, but no matter if is a jog along the ocean, a walk with my weighted vest on the trail that lines the shore of my summer home, or circling the baseball fields near my home in Queens…being in nature is where I can hear him clearest & feel his presence strongest. My father’s most sensitive spot was his stomach…the place where many of his mental, emotional & major physical issues manifested in his body. So, for me…whenever I’m wanting to connect with him, I try to concentrate on my diaphragm & breathing, which was always his advice to me in life when he knew I was starting to spin, take a deep breath Tia, then take another, & envision us connecting through the solar plexus chakra. Early mornings, when the sun is rising after the dark of night, I feel him closest to me, reminding me I can do it, make it through whatever it is he is well aware I’m grappling with, which helps immensely as I try to hold my form, & make it through those days, & nights, that sometimes can feel never-ending.
I’ll share one of my experiences, & one of those nights here…one that was feeling so dire I prayed to God, as I cried to my father before finally falling off to sleep. To say it was a distressing moment in time I was trying to move through would be an understatement. Next morning my daily ‘Note from the Universe’ from Mike Dooley & TUT (The Universe Knows) landed in my inbox just before dawn & was the absolute most right & perfect hand my dad could have extended to me to hold onto. He had been a professional baseball player for a short time in his life, a pitcher. I was feeling so weighed down by feelings of inadequacies, berating myself because my head was relentlessly assuring me my dad, & my God, had been pitching me all these balls, giving me so many chances in this second chance at creating an intentional life as opposed to trying to control my life, yet I was failing at being able to hit any of them because I was so inept. Everything felt it was slipping away, after so many years to make a major painstaking change the realities that were surrounding me were pounding me. I felt not just completely useless & incompetent, but, totally unworthy. After many years of intense struggle to finally trust I could be kinder & gentler with myself, my broken heart took another beating, by my own self, fueled by a massive clash & confusion that had created an intense mayhem for my mind which snowballed in my life. I have a childhood memory that is quite painful that involves the natural athletic abilities my father felt strongly I had but not very gently shared with me I was wasting because of my lack of ‘heart’. Even after mending all our fences & becoming my best friend before he died many years after that harsh, humiliating experience with him, in the state & place I had reTurned to, it was a powerful trigger pulling at all my insecurities & fears. There is no doubt my dad had heard me degrading my own self the night before, & was speaking directly to me, answering my call & plea for his help through Mike’s beautyfull morning email only a few hours later, as he, along with God in his graceful, magical Universe, implored me to pitch THEM the ball & let them take a swing. They encouraged me to trust them, to let them hit it out of the park for me. In the few seconds it took to read Mike’s morning inspiration the pressure diminished, even if only ever so slightly. My load, feeling lighter, even if only enough to help me out of bed. My God, & my father would do that for me. A reminder, at a pernicious crossroad & very fragile time…I was that special. I was worth their assistance. I could lean on them. A lovely little note that somehow was able to assure me, even if only for a few critical morning moments & might slip back again at some point through the day, or maybe make it to the next without wishing I wouldn’t wake up when I laid my head down again that night, if was a good day, & help me to trust that I was not only not a failure, but had a big, beautyfull heart, one that was very much touching many people, a heart worthy of their divine assistance if I would accept the help. Staying open to any & all ways my dad may use to communicate with me is 1st & foremost, then, keeping faith that what I hear from him, when what he tells me may not necessarily be the exact advice I may want to take is instrumental. There’s a fine line between hearing our intuition & the divine sounds that are trying to inspire & guide & communicate with us & listening to the voice that speaks from inside our own heads & the other heads around us. And it is its own precious sojourn to learn how to discern the difference for your own self. Then, an even more sacred journey to choose to place your trust in it. Our human selves want what we want, but our higher selves, & God, along with all our loved ones, angels & guides on the other side are all privy to a much bigger picture that we are not here in our humanity. Allowing him, they, them to grace me with the reminder to keep going with their flowing, even when some very human triggers may be trying to pull me back to my own old, less than healthy habits & ways, is a huge part of that ‘how’.
HOW ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOM? HOW HAS THAT AFFECTED YOU?
While the new relationship I forged with my dad before he died left nothing unsaid between us & was the catapult to my finally deciding to change a life I wasn’t fully satisfied in, it was my relationship with my mom, both before, but more importantly after she passed, that has proven to be the most transformative force in my life.
My parents had planned to name me Stephanie, after my dad. At the very last moment, they decided they wanted to keep the name in case their next child, which they already knew they wanted to have, was a boy. My birth certificate has my name handwritten on the back because they hadn’t decided on the alternate name in time. They ultimately chose me to be my mom’s namesake, Patricia. I’ve been Tia though, almost my entire life, since my older sister was not able to say Tricia which was what they were planning to call me. It was a slow realization along the way of these 16 years that began when my father died in 2009…making peace with her, & embracing her name (as well as the middle name they had given me, Adele, which was my paternal grandmother’s name rather than the middle name I gave myself when I lost my social security card in high school, Marie, my maternal grandmother’s name) was as important a part of my journey of metamorphosis & change as was my father’s assistance to finally take the last few steps & end a marriage I had long struggled to leave. I came across a tiny pink pocket sized book in my special box under my bed at a certain point along this mini-life to a 2nd book, from my mom. For My Daughter: Thoughts on Love, Life & Happiness. It’s been on my desk since. I only recently realized, just after I received the 1st actual paperback for final read through & approval that the shade of pink matches the cover of my book, along with a very similar subtitle: Lessons in Love, Loss & Full Circle Acceptance. I literally stopped, dropped, & prayed a prayer of thanks to her in that holy aha moment, even in a pain that can still feel quite raw some difficult days. But, I choose to trust that similarity is not a coincidence which helps not just ease that pain but continue to accept our relationship the way it was so I can embrace all the good & beautyfull that was there even though there was much I would have liked to be different with her.
Coming full circle with her & healing some long ago opened wounds between us after she died held a very important key for me. When I started writing this 2nd memoir, although I was well aware of the significance of her life on mine after a 1st book about the three most important men in my life, the ending chapters that wound up closing this 2nd book feel very meant to be to me. After her death in March of 2023 I began writing about her, rather than go back into the manuscript that was waiting on my approval after an edit I’d just received before she died landed in my inbox. I just couldn’t bring myself to open it though. It was a deeply painful time for the obvious reason, as well as a number of much more private reasons & instead of opening it & moving forward with it, I began writing about her. It was so comforting to me as I struggled through an almost unbelievable year that followed, one I began to fear moving backwards again from a debilitating confusion to another full blown breakdown barreling at me as the calendar pages passed & I allowed a clash & contrast to pummel me, again, which very quickly wore me down, to the bone, again. As I tried to move through my grief over her death & concentrate on her, I allowed a very detrimental mental discomposure to start snowballing again, which compounded my immense heartache. Mental strain on top of emotional pain is a powerful, pernicious, very damaging duo which grew more & more harmful as the memory of Harlem Hospital started taking up more & more of my headspace by the time December hit hard. I began worriedly bracing to begin the new year continuing to relive the past I was still giving precedence to, rather than staying present so I could welcome a new 2024 with open arms, even if they still held pain & heartache. My friend Bridget reached from heaven to remind me she would help, a gift as I listened to Bill Maher’s New Rules one Friday night not long before Christmas as his show ended with an impassioned honoring of people with disabilities that would lay my head down that night with an equally passionate prayer to her. And my mother remained by my side, I have no doubt. Her connection to Ray and his daughter, not just her connection to her own child, in the holy hindsight that time has gifted me with, has only deepened my sense of awe & wonderment of this beautyfull interconnected story & has not just cultivated, but strengthened a trust & faith in my mom I never was able to allow for myself with her before. Her death brought new life to our relationship for sure. A couple months into the new year, just after the one year anniversary of her death, I crossed paths with Jessica Buchanan, who is the Founder of Soul Speak Press. It was not long before we began working together & whittling down what by that point was a very, very long manuscript. I have no doubt it was my mother’s hand on my shoulder guiding me right to her & Soul Speak.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO ANYONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIED, BUT WHO NEVER FELT ABLE TO BE THEIR AUTHENTIC SELVES WITH THEM, WHO MAY HAVE FELT EMOTIONALLY NEGLECTED BY THEM IN THEIR LIFE?
I certainly don’t have the answer for anybody but me, but I will share that when I was finally able to accept, which led to an embrace, of a very real truth: that my parents, just like me, had wounds, & trauma, & unhealed stuff with their own parents & upbringing which had very much contributed to the ways & the why’s they parented how they did since much remained unhealed, it took me to an amazingly beautyfull crossroad. One with paths I honestly never let myself consider choosing for myself before started to open up. My 1st thought in answering this question was to share how getting to the place I knew they loved me & did the best they could with what they had, helped me immensely, which is certainly true, but doesn’t quite express it fully I realized as I thought upon my answer to your question. Is a blurry line, discerning whether someone is doing the best they can…each person only really truly knows that answer for themselves. And of course is a completely different conversation when pondered from the perspective of a divine big picture as opposed to our very human selves. Whereas my dad was very much aware he wanted, & actually could, do better, then set that intention for himself at a certain point, I’m not completely sure where my mom was on that consciousness spectrum with regards to some certain important issues & aspects of her life, & accepting the implications & influences of them on her childrens’ lives. I spent some time, certainly before, & then again, after her death, reeling in the pain of my certainty that she knew better, she had to know better, didn’t she?, how could she not about some certain things?, & felt betrayed she hadn’t made the choice or set the intention to doing better, in some certain critical parts of her life, & also some pivotal aspects of my relationship with her. But truth is, I’ve come to accept she may not have. And, if she did have clarity, even though she still was not able to take all the steps necessary to create the changes I myself might have wanted her to make, or more important, SHE wanted to make for her own self, it was a godsend litebulb moment…it didn’t mean she wasn’t trying. It didn’t mean she wasn’t doing her best. Its been a beautyfull full circle acceptance that has helped me immensely in the time since she has passed over…she really was doing the best she could. Knowing our issues isn’t the same as healing them. It’s a critical point & important first step, but after clarity comes, movement in our awarenesses can be daunting. The steps in between knowing & healing involve intention & action, which, are often painful, scary, & certainly not easy. Many slow down, or turn away from some of those important aha’s that have finally dawned. I certainly did. But that didn’t mean I didn’t want to face them, or wouldn’t at some point face & accept them after fighting a relentless internal battle to do so. Everybody’s best will be different every single day. It’s funny, my oldest, Sam, just finished Don Miquel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, which became one of my father’s favorite books later in life which he & I discussed at length, agreement by agreement. We both ‘agreed’, ‘Don’t take things personally’ was our biggest struggle out of the Four, but always doing your best was one of that sacred quad, & a question only each of us can answer for our own selves.
Accepting our troubled parents have come from dysfunctional parents who have come from trauma, & so on (& so back), doesn’t excuse all behavior, but it absolutely can help healing. As confusion began to clear, I then got to choose whether to allow that truth to diminish some of the anger & feelings of betrayal, which then helped me to let go of some judgments & resentments that had formed in childhood & took me a really long time in my life to even acknowledge I was holding onto, which lightened me up as I released so much I had piled upon my back. My choice to do that freed up sacred space to slowly start holding onto some dreams, not just the darker, heavier burdens & responsibilities that came with carrying other people’s stuff . It was a powerful, important start but that didn’t mean moving forward in that acceptance & truth was not intensely challenging. But for me, it built a beautyfull positive momentum which helped move me along. I began to be kinder to my own self after finally understanding, then accepting, that it wasn’t me, my faults, my inadequacies, & incompetencies. It wasn’t my this or that, but my parents own stuff…stuff I was not responsible for as a child or young adult.
With my dad, I worked through much that had become real stumbling blocks in my life, in our human life together. Late in life, but we did. With my mom, we came full circle after she died. It IS possible. The first step is wanting to let go of that pain though & committing to moving through a lot of muck to get unstuck…& that is where it gets difficult & extremely challenging. Seems obvious…most would say ‘of course I want to’, but saying something, wanting something, doesn’t make it so or actually happen. Truth is, taking responsibility for our own selves & choices can be an intense struggle after spending much of our lives prior pointed outward, focused on others. In my own experience, whether ending my marriage, or beginning a new relationship with my mom, I put it off because it was so very difficult. And life will always give us reasons to help us find excuses to keep putting hard things off & look away from difficult truths. It’s scary, & so very hard to let go of who we have let ourselves become & really are sometimes, brutally challenging to let go of our past, & who we have spent many years being to be able to arrive at the place we can embrace who we truly are & find our courage to let that person live out loud in our real life.
That parent, or sibling, or relative or friend, any person, who may have caused you intense strife in this life is not the same on the other side as was on this human earth. And it is not only possible to heal from it after they die but they can help us immensely in that process if we will let them.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW NOW ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WOULD HAVE HELPED YOUR YOUNGER SELF?
That I’m kinder, more talented, smarter, funnier, & much more beautyfull than my younger self ever thought or felt. But that certainly doesn’t mean I don’t ever struggle with self esteem issues anymore. I can only speak for myself, but I do feel many who have grown up with one or both parents who struggle with an addiction might agree…there is such a sense of inadequacy as best, which, at worst, can lead to a real sense of self loathing. The feeling it is partly, if not mostly, YOUR fault when you live with parents who are not at peace with parts of their past, aspects of their own self & struggling in areas of their current life is very powerful. And the want & need to fix whatever it is, which, as a child, since you are not able to connect the dots are not your fault, wind up feeling it is your responsibility to keep trying to help them, fix them, change their behavior, somehow, someway, to be better, to do better is overwhelming at times. It moves from beyond frustrating to eventually very debilitating since nothing you do ever seems to ultimately ‘fix’ them or stop their pain or dysfunctional behavior. And, while trying to keep it all hidden from ‘outsiders’, on top of that, because you are feeling such shame, is exhausting. It cannot NOT shape us. The saving grace for me was to one day understand and accept it wasn’t me. Or any of my siblings. Or anyone or anything outside of themselves. It was something inside of them that needed addressing & healing. And that was an awareness, which then had to become a choice that THEY themselves would have to choose to make for themselves. It was not my responsibility, NOR my right, to take that on. With them, or anyone in my life. Trying to do right by & for others, whether its our children, parents, friends, significant others, everybody or anybody, over & above our own selves is the surest way to do right by no one, most especially one’s own self, at least that is the way it has been in my experience because it is absolutely one of the side effects & consequences of growing up in a household where there is addiction. Knowing that as a child would have changed everything…but maybe that was part of the point of it? Another reminder for me it is about the journey we blueprint for ourselves & come here for, not the destination, even if I’m sure there are some really interesting, adventurous, exotic destinations out there on this exquisite planet earth just waiting to explored & experienced.
HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED ANY SYNCHRONICITIES THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS THAT HAVE BEEN HELPFUL?
Well, Matthew, when you kindly replied to my 1st email, generously allowing me your space to talk about my story, so many years ago by now, after my 1st book published, when many were choosing to not only not discuss or review my book, but many did not even respond to outreaches, & I was feeling in quite a scary, confusing, silent place after all that had prefaced it in the few years prior, that your response happened to arrive in my inbox while I was in a cab on my way to a golf outing in my father’s name & honor, it felt very much a synchronistic moment indeed. As my struggle through my own personal ‘stuff’ continued to grow as time continued to pass, you were a Godsend…& dad send, no doubt in my mind. And is not surprising to me at all your reply way back then has led to your site being the place to host this special post today.
I’m a Life Path 6 in numerology, & I’ll share that the six years it has taken to turn those scene cards into another manuscript, then into book, almost to the exact date, feels a very meant to be full circle. There was more than one release date set, changed more than once. At a certain point, though, the date moved out of my hands, as far as being able to have any more input with regards to changes…which then became an opportunity for me to embrace my faith & recommit trust to above, which was one of the important reasons for starting writing it in the first place that late Fall of 2019.
I answered one of your questions in our last q&a about when it would be available for readers saying I honestly didn’t know, but trusted it would release in its right & perfect timing. It was yet another way for me to let God, & all those above who can see a much bigger picture than me, know I trusted them. It was one of the main reasons I wound up breaking down the way I did, feeling my God had completely forsaken me. So, has been a beautyfull circle reTurning to the trust I spent many mini-lives forging for myself, yet somehow wound up letting slip away as I slipped back to a life I had diligently devoted to changing for myself. One of my favorite places in the book is where I share that I feel this beautyfull love story is ‘a holy lesson in love of a lifetime about fate and destiny, kismet and kindred spirits, synchronicity and serendipity”. And will hopefully inspire any reader to look for those winks&nods, the ‘coincidences’, to stay open to synchronicities & serendipities…because they are there, always trying to help align our divinity with our humanity, merge destiny with fate. And once they open themselves up to them, they can then choose to set the intention, make the commitment, devote themselves, to letting them lead our way & carry us forward as we go with the flow of them.
ONE PRAYER. ONE POEM. ONE PROMISE. ONE MAN. MANY NAMES. MANY YEARS. MANY, OR ANY REGRETS?
Not one. Going All-In was the most graceful gift of my life. While I may not be proud of my every single moment, or decision, I am beyond proud of my choice to remain devoted to the All-In my Hall of Fame father helped me to finally feel worthy enough, & courageous enough, to choose for myself. I had to fall in reel love with an ordinary Joe to fall in real love with my extraordinary old very special friend Ray. And what a beautyfull falling it was. A fantastical courting of the most magical divine proportions. And I have been waiting for my Emilio since he asked me to give him a year to come to me. It is long past that timing. And even though I never heard from him after I gave him my word I would wait, about what had happened, about what was going on, or if he was still wanting, hoping, or planning to make it me, I chose to remain devoted to a very private prayer shared only with him & my God. It has been the most painful, joyful, meaningful, thoughtful, faithful (& less too at times), rollercoaster ride & great adventure of my life…to choose, for myself, what I wanted to do…& stay true.
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