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Posttraumatic Growth

Posted by Matt Welsh

· May 24, 2020

According to Tedeschi and Calhoun (2004) posttraumatic growth is:

“the experience of positive change that occurs as the result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances” (p. 1).

Examples of posttraumatic growth may be a greater appreciation for the value of life, increased belief in knowing that you can count on people in times of trouble, an enhanced sense of closeness with others, a greater belief in one’s ability to handle difficulties, putting more effort into relationships, and having more meaningful interpersonal relationships (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). Examples of highly challenging life circumstances where posttraumatic growth may occur include the death of a loved one, job loss, ending a romantic relationship, serious illness, or an unexpected accident.

I have researched posttraumatic growth and a few interesting components of the phenomenon include:

1.) Struggle
2.) Highly challenging life circumstances
3.) Experience of positive change

Interestingly enough, the experience of positive change would not be possible without the struggle or highly challenging life circumstances. I am not trying to diminish the significance of traumatic events. While going through a death of a loved one, job loss, or end of a romantic relationship, it is normal and understandable that we would experience pain, hurt, and deep sadness. Grieving these losses puts us in touch with our humanity and allows time to feel how truly important these people and events are or were to our lives. During this time of feeling our sadness and grieving the loss of what was; or what could have been, we should nurture ourselves and trust ourselves that we are doing the right thing.

The struggle we go through during these incredibly difficult times can have value. They can add meaning and greater understanding to our life. The struggle that occurs during highly challenging life circumstances is also capable of helping us develop qualities, capabilities, and desires that would not be possible to develop in the presence of easy or comfortable conditions.

Posttraumatic Growth is not a new concept. It has it’s roots in spiritual texts. For example, Romans 5: 3-5 states:

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope…And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

Peace,
Dr. Matthew Welsh J.D., Ph.D.
Founder of Spiritual Media Blog

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Categories : New Media, Self-Realization

Sam Worthington goes from living in his car to being the star of Avatar

Posted by Matt Welsh

· May 10, 2020

· 7 Comments

The star of Avatar, Sam Worthington, found out that he was going to get an audition for Avatar when he was living in his car…

Originally a bricklayer from Australia, Sam had reached a point in his life where he wanted to figure out what was going on inside him. So, he auctioned off the possessions in his house to friends and started living out of his car. After he got an audition, it took Avatar director James Cameron six months to convince the executives at the movie studio that Sam Worthington, a previously unknown actor, was the right guy for the lead role in the most expensive movie ever made, Avatar.

Sam’s story reveals a couple important truths. First off, just because you are down and out on your luck doesn’t mean you aren’t on path to fulfill your dreams. A lot of people in Sam’s position would have given up or considered themselves to be a loser or failure in life because they didn’t have a job and were living out of a car.

Instead, Sam took that time to focus on himself and what was “going on inside him.” It is absolutely crucial during difficult times in our life to remain committed to our Self, our dreams and what we know inside of us to be true — even if it appears we are down and out.

Secondly, Sam’s life illustrates the importance of creating a strong internal foundation. Most people in his situation would have just focused on the external circumstances of his life (living out of a car with no money or job). Instead, Sam took that time to create the necessary inner space for himself and his dreams to unfold.

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Categories : Movies, Self-Realization

Tags : Avatar, Sam Worthington

How our Angels and therapy can help us deal with loneliness and anxiety during COVID-19

Posted by Matt Welsh

· May 1, 2020

· 1 Comment

Loneliness and anxiety are two of the most common problems that people face today. Some people use therapy, medication, self-help groups, and personal development programs to help us feel less anxious or less lonely. These can work well…

However, our Angels can actually help us and want to help us feel less anxious and lonely. Simply acknowledging and believing this can help reduce anxiety. For example, anxiety is typically caused because we overestimate the likelihood of a threat or that something bad might happen to us. This is a useful emotion when we have a legitimate reason for feeling anxious such as when there is an actual threat. If there is a legitimate threat, then that anxiety can motivate us to take action and protect ourselves. However, usually this is not the case. One healthy way to respond to anxiety is to simply become aware that we are experiencing anxiety and accept our experience of anxiety non-judgmentally. Anxiety often presents itself as a feeling of tension in our chest or stomach. We can stop, feel that sensation, accept it without judgment, and then ask our Angels for help. We can ask the Angels whether there is a legitimate threat or no threat? Then, if there is no threat and we mentally tell ourselves there is no threat, our experience of anxiety usually decreases or becomes less intense. However, if there is a threat, then we can ask our Angels to help guide us to take appropriate action. Simply knowing that the Angels have our back in this process can help immensely. We may not believe that we are equipped to handle a situation on our own. But, if we believe and recognize that our Angles are there to help us and can provide us with guidance when we are feeling anxious, then that can lower anxiety levels tremendously, as well as help us take inspired actions to alleviate the situation.

Similarly, this process can help us to feel less lonely. It is my belief that it is not possible to be alone because we always have Angels around us who can guide us or simply be with us. They actually want us to acknowledge Them, ask for Their help, and receive Their help when They give it to us. Sometimes Their help shows up in the form of an intuition, gut instinct, or inner knowing. Other times, it may come in the form of serendipity, synchronicity, or a meaningful coincidence. For example, we may hear a song or watch a TV show or talk to someone who has a message that directly relates to our life. I believe these are signs or message from our Angels trying to guide us, lower our anxiety, and let us know that we are never alone.

It can also be helpful to try to identify your specific Angels. This may vary from culture or religion. However, it is interesting that all religions and cultures make some reference to Angels or Spiritual Beings who are capable of guiding us. A few of the more common ones written about in spiritual texts include Quan Yin, known in Buddhism as the Goddess of Mercy and Compassion, Ganesha, a Hindu deity known to help people develop strength by overcoming challenges in life, and Archangel Michael, a healing and protector Angel seen in Catholic sanctuaries. So, you can find an Angel that feels best for you and your particular circumstance and know that They are always available and wanting to offer their love, support and guidance. If you need additional support, you can also include therapy to find a professional who is trained in helping others manage anxiety and loneliness. One good resource for finding online therapists is BetterHelp.com.

Peace,
Dr. Matthew Welsh, J.D., Ph.D.
Founder of Spiritual Media Blog
~Psychology, Spirituality, Inspirational Entertainment~

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Categories : Self-Realization

Interview with James Redfield, author of The Celestine Prophecy

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 13, 2020

· No Comments

James Redfield is the New York Times best-selling author of The Celestine Prophecy, which was a #1 American book in the world and #1 International bestseller. He recently released a New Edition of the book with a new “Breakthrough” Afterword. Prior to the global pandemic, he was on tour, The Celestine Prophecy Inspiration Tour, doing workshops and talking about the New Edition of his book. His tour will continue after travel restrictions related to COVID-19 are lifted.

Redfield says,

“In a effort to help a world gripped by hate and corruption on all sides, a growing wave of Consciousness is sweeping the Planet — as Multi-Generations are again passing the Celestine Prophecy to others, and feeling the urge to unleash their creative gifts and projects.

Are you a BOOMER or Xer… with finally enough time to energize your Dreams. Are you a MILLENNIAL sensing forty rushing toward you, ready to actualize your true work and abundance. Are you a member of the newest generation seeking your “RIGHT PREPARATION” to live an INSPIRED life.

Together, this Energy to Create is heralding in a NEW TIME in the world. It has never been easier to Break through what is holding you back. You can build your Energy — And Establish your Inspiration, Peace, and Inner Guidance that is every soul’s birthright of Creativity.”

I recently had the chance to interview James about some of the insights contained in The Celestine Prophecy. We started the interview talking about how people can apply his insights even if they are facing anxiety, financial concerns, or worried about their health during this time of the global pandemic and corona virus. I asked him directly what advice he would have for people who are scared or anxious right now. He answered with compassion and practical wisdom when he responded:

“You’re not alone in the world. There’s a spiritual force you can tap into.”

He added that now is a time to see how we can best stay inspired and keep our energy up and find a meaningful something in our life even in a situation like this. This time is also making it more urgent for a lot of people to find something fulfilling in life and ask ourselves: What do I really want to do in my life?

We spent the rest of the conversation talking about specific techniques people can use to tap into this spiritual force via personal experiences and find proof that we are on a journey that is spiritual. For example, James talks about how meaningful coincidences can be a personal experience that provides helpful guidance in our life; and that even now, during the global pandemic, we can still experience synchronicity and inspiration. Additionally, we explored the relationship between following our intuition and creating meaningful coincidences. Essentially, the more we follow our intuition, hunches, or visions for our life, the more likely we are to experience synchronicity.

Another point that James made that had not occurred to me is that we are capable of creating synchronicity in other people’s lives. James raised an interesting question when he asked: If we our capable of creating synchronicity in other people’s lives, then what is our responsibility to help other people? More specifically, we may have something valuable or helpful to share with another person to tell them. But, this may require us to have the courage to follow our intuition or act on our hunches, even if the other person is a complete stranger.

This led us to transition into discussing our relationship with other people and how there are “givers” and “takers” of energy. We discussed how we can be givers of energy and not allow other people to take our energy. One way we can not allow other people to take our energy is recognize and connect with our own source of energy inside of us.

I’ve always been personally interested in finding a deeper spiritual meaning in life, especially through synchronicity and coincidences. Throughout our conversation, James offers unique and specific techniques to create synchronicity as well as tap into our intuition. His suggestions are practical, profound, and inspired me to have a greater understanding of how I can stay connected and aligned with my spiritual journey.

For more information about James Redfield, events, workshops, coaching/mentoring with him, and the New Edition of The Celestine Prophecy you can visit https://www.celestinevision.com

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Categories : Books, Exclusive Interviews, Self-Realization

6 Steps to Manage Painful Emotions

Posted by Matt Welsh

· March 26, 2020

· No Comments

Many self-help authors suggest to avoid negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, depression, sadness, and guilt. However, I think their analysis and recommendations are incomplete because they fail to understand the distinction between non-judgmentally accepting a negative emotion and expressing it in a healthy manner versus reacting poorly to the negative emotion. My hope is this article will give you some suggestions for managing painful emotions and expressing them in a healthy manner.

First, it is helpful to understand that emotions are not black or white. Rather, there is a range of intensity in emotions. For example, a person is not either angry or not angry. Rather, anger could be on a continuum of intensity ranging on a scale of 1 – 10. Anger levels 1-3 represents no anger or perhaps repressed, denied or passive anger. During this range of emotion (in the 1 – 3 range), people may be denying or repressing their emotion or anger (or sadness or anxiety), which is not healthy. A person may appear to be calm or happy, but really they are bottling up their emotion or avoiding dealing with an emotion. This is the risk of self-help authors telling someone to just be happy, think positive thoughts, or avoid negative emotions. Many psychologists actually characterize this response of avoiding the actual emotion as being passive, denial, or repression. Being passive or avoidant may have a short term benefit of avoiding the experience of feeling a painful emotion or avoiding confronting someone who we are angry at. However, it has a long term negative consequence of the negative emotion actually becoming worse because it was not dealt with, future outbursts, resentment towards others and self, as well as risking future boundary violations that were not initially addressed. It is also potentially inauthentic and dishonest when we avoid ‘negative emotions’ because we are not being true to how we are actually feeling about our self or others.

On the other end of the emotional spectrum, anger levels in the 7 – 10 range would be extreme or aggressive anger (or depression or anxiety). Aggressive anger is usually characterized by anger (or the anxiety or sadness) controlling you, leading to acts of aggression such as yelling, intimidation, threats, insults, or violence and consequently feelings of guilt or regret after the uncontrolled expression of anger. At this level the emotion, whether it be anger or sadness or anxiety, is controlling your behavior and functioning, rather than you staying in control of your reaction to the emotion.

Thus, anger, and all emotions (grief, anxiety, sadness, depression) vary in their range or intensity of the emotion. Our response to that intensity of emotion can affect whether we handle the emotion in a healthy or unhealthy manner. If we can learn to identify our emotion and then identify the intensity of the emotion, then it becomes easier to manage and express it in a healthy or assertive manner (4-6 range) or prevent it from becoming worse. For example, simply identifying that you are angry can actually help you decrease the intensity of that anger (or anxiety, sadness) and be in more control of how we respond or express the emotion .

The following steps are helpful ways to manage negative emotions emotions. They will not eliminate the negative emotion, rather they will help regulate the intensity of the emotion to a healthy level so that you are more in control of your emotions, response, and be able to act more authentically…

1. Identify the emotion
(Some authors actually say if you name the emotion, then you will “tame” the emotion.)

2. Identify the intensity of the emotion on a scale ranging from 1 – 10

3. Ask yourself: Why am I feeling this way and what do I need to feel a little better?

4. Focus on your breath and take some deep and slow breaths.

Ideally it is best to breathe for a count of 4 through your nostrils. Hold for a count of 2. And, then release for a count of 6. Changing your breathing in this manner will slow down the “fight-or-flight” response, activate the parasympathetic nervous system, and make easier for you to make a logical or rational decision on how you would like to respond to the emotion.

5. Accept your emotional response without any judgment towards yourself.

6. Consciously decide how you would like to respond to your emotion.

There is a poem by Rumi called The Guest House that gives a very profound and practical application of this process of non-judgmentally accepting our emotions in a healthy manner when he writes:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

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Categories : Self-Realization

Princes & Ogres: Integration of Psyche & Soul

Posted by Matt Welsh

· March 20, 2020

· No Comments

Stripped of everything he held dear – executive position, money, status and most importantly family – Don Mordasini realized life was over as he knew it … as a stockbroker. As vice president of Dean Witter and Co. he learned the brutal truth of the old adage, “There is no free lunch on Wall Street.” Don had earned success the hard way – long hours and hard work. He knew the challenges of holding a demanding job, while parenting and partnering during good and bad times. The reward for his efforts was over. The “good” life had been cut short.

As a successful stockbroker Don hit the wall, so at mid life he began a psycho-spiritual quest that led to becoming a psychotherapist. He trekked the Himalayas, studied ancient scriptures and spent hours in spiritual practices under the guidance of his teacher in India…

I recently had a chance to interview Don about his journey and new book, Princes & Ogres: Integration of Psyche and Soul. You can read a portion of the transcript of our conversation which is copied below….

Matthew Welsh (MW): How did you come up with the title of your book, Princes and Ogres?

Don Mordasini (DM): I took the title from a Joseph Campbell myth “Prince Five Weapons.” A young prince (very pride-full) enters a deep forest and encounters an enormous beastly ogre. He is nearly vanquished in battle using weapons of his ego. As he faces death he calls upon deep wisdom and masters the ogre which then becomes his aide in guiding others through the forest.

MW: Your writing is very reader friendly since you intersperse personal examples with ancient stories. Is this why you decided to share your wisdom through ancient heroes and heroines?

DM: …the book is reader friendly because I use case histories of those I work with as well as stories about myself that make the book more than a catalogue of interesting wisdom stories. I like to show that we are heroes when we stand into the face of job loss, relationship breakdown and the trials that come our way. Most of the stories are from ancient sources to show that man has been in heroic battle against the projection of the ego since ancient times.

MW: Can you give me a sample of a brief wisdom story, the imbedded psychological theme and how someone actually applied it to their lives so listeners can get an idea of your book and its practical application.

DM: Yes, “The Snake That Wouldn’t Hiss” will give you an example of how we can benefit from wisdom stories and show how practical they are today.

One day a holy man wandered into a village. Following a brief rest and light meal a group of villagers sat around him eager to hear his wise stories and receive his blessings. The next day as he was ready to depart, the villagers advised him not to leave by a certain road because there was a vicious snake on that road that would bite him. Ignoring their pleas he followed the dangerous path out of the village. Before long a hugh snake appeared and asked the holy man for some spiritual advice. Feeling sorry for the snake he gave his blessing and a bit of sound spiritual wisdom then continued on his way.

Sometime later following the saint’s advice the snake allowed the bravest of the children to touch and play gently with it. Children being children – became emboldened and starting playing rough with the gentle snake. The snake put up with this behavior because it wanted to be ‘holy’. Eventually the children began to abuse the snake hurling it around and stomping on it. Eventually the snake was left by the roadside for dead.

Many years passed and the holy man returned to the village. As he approached he heard a faint voice crying out for help. He failed to recognize the snake in its battered condition. He asked the snake what happened and the snake recounted the years of punishment it endured because it was advised not to bite anyone less it might jeopardize the welfare of its soul. It told the wise man it just wanted to be a simple spiritual snake.

The holy man was puzzled by the snake’s answer and shook his head. Then he replied, “You didn’t have to bite and hurt the children but you certainly could have hissed”.

The psychological message I write in Princes and Ogres is that we must develop boundaries to protect ourselves because we live in a material world and we must take responsibility for our own protection. We cannot pray and ask God to take care of the things we have resources to take care of our selves.

In Princes and Ogres… I point out that our ego protects us in many ways and we are required to draw boundaries, set limits, speak up and assert to get our needs met so life doesn’t walk over us.

I then tell the story of Naomi, a gifted psychic who failed to ask for payment for her services and often took calls late at night when she was exhausted to please her clients. She thought that being ‘spiritual’ people would understand her needs. She was dead wrong. After several meetings it was clear she was afraid to assert. Like our saintly snake, I told her that she needed to take care of herself. This simply meant setting limits with her clients that infringed on her privacy and asking for payment at the time of her readings. I stayed in touch with Naomi and occasionally would ask her, “Did you hiss.” She laughed and said that she put up a sign asking for payment at the end of each visit and set a work schedule she abided to.

MW: You abandoned your career as a stockbroker to pursue a life with more meaning. Have you been successful?

DM: There are two measures of success – material and spiritual. At the material level I have been supported and guided by mentors and received the grace to help others as a therapist and that has made my work materially rewarding.

At the spiritual level I have been rewarded beyond my dreams because my earlier belief in the sacred has been a most profound experience of the inner sanctum. In other words God or what we might call God has been a Consciousness that is as real for me as talking with you now.

MW: Knowing the challenges of holding a demanding job, while parenting and partnering during good and bad times, what do you feel is the best way to deal with today’s crippling economy?

DM: I have learned through my experience and the experience of others that every challenge has the seeds of personal growth and spiritual awakening. I actually believe trials are opportunities to accelerate or actually supercharge our individual growth. Moreover challenges are an invitation to go within and find the source and purpose of our existence.

MW: If there was just one message you could impart to readers what would it be?

DM: Don’t get stuck in ogre mind that knows nothing of other states of consciousness. Go deep within. The peace you sometimes feel – the love you experience – the compassion and connection to others you sometimes feel are finite experiences that emanate from a source of infinite peace – love – brotherhood and light that form the substratum of your being. The finite cannot create the infinite. The infinite creates the finite. You are one hundred percent a material being and one hundred percent a spiritual being.

Princes & Ogres: Integration of Psyche and Soul is available at http://donmordasini.com/. That web site also contains a free download of a sample chapter from the book along with many other useful articles and resources on practical ways to integrate your spirituality into your psychological, professional and personal lives.

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Categories : Books, Exclusive Interviews, Self-Realization

Tags : Don Mordasini, Princes and Ogres: Integration of Psyche and Soul

5 steps for managing conflict

Posted by Matt Welsh

· February 26, 2020

· No Comments

Conflict will inevitably arise in life, especially with people who we are close to. Conflict in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. If we handle conflict well, it may actually be an opportunity to grow individually and deepen a relationship by allowing two people to more fully learn about each other. However, if we handle conflict poorly, then it may result in resentment or a damaged or ruined relationship. People typically handle conflict in one of three styles: Aggressively, Passively, or Assertively.

Everyone likely engages in all of these styles at different times. Aggressive conflict resolution styles typically involve attacking, bullying, insulting, or intimidating another person into getting what you want. It may manifest itself in threats, yelling, or manipulation. In the short run, it may allow you to get what you want temporarily, but in the long run, it may ruin a relationship, push people away, and lead to isolation. Passive styles involve avoiding a situation. In the short run passive behavior may result in avoiding a particularly uncomfortable conversation. However, in the long run, it can lead to resentment towards yourself or someone else for not addressing a boundary violation, being taken advantage of, bottling up emotions, future explosions, and lower self-esteem.

The most constructive way to handle conflict is an assertive style. An assertive style of conflict resolution involves protecting your boundaries by expressing what you need and how you feel to another person in a calm and direct manner. 5 steps to manage a conflict in an assertive manner are below.

1. Identify your feelings and needs

Usually, a conflict involves feeling angry. Anger can be a difficult emotion to recognize because some people, especially in spiritual or self-help communities, have been taught that anger is a “bad” emotion or we should never feel angry. However, anger, in and of itself is not bad or wrong. How we manage or express our anger is what makes a difference. Sometimes, feeling anger can be a helpful emotion because it lets us know that someone has crossed one of our boundaries or is acting unjustly. Recognizing that we are angry is the first step in dealing with it in a healthy manner. Additionally, it can be helpful to identify the intensity of our anger. Anger is not a “black or white” emotion. Anger ranges in intensity from mild annoyance to rage. Research has shown that simply identifying that we are angry and the intensity of our anger during a conflict can actually make us feel less angry or decrease the intensity of the anger.

Again, the goal is not to get rid of anger during a conflict, but to learn how to deal with it in a healthy manner – or decrease the intensity of anger to point where we feel like we can control it and express it in a healthy manner. Below are steps to managing anger in a healthy manner when we are in a conflict with another person.

In addition to identifying how you feel, it is also important to identify what you need from another person or from yourself. For example, do you need the other person to speak to you with more respect or be more kind or gentle with you or simply show up on time. Or, do you have a need within yourself that you are not addressing such as needing to rest, eat, or take more time for yourself that you need to express to another. Expressing needs to other people allows you to take care of yourself, protects your boundaries, and prevents anger and resentment from building up. Simply identifying your needs and feelings can help reduce the intensity of those feelings and help you become more clear in what you need from yourself or another person to resolve or manage a conflict.

2. Ask the person when you said or did “X”, what did you mean or why did you do that?

This is a good way to start a conversation that involves a conflict because asking this question gives the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstanding. The conflict may have been due to you not understanding their intentions or reason for their behavior and this question allows them to explain why they did what they did. Also, and more importantly, this question is a polite, but direct way to bring up the situation. It also essentially is letting the other person know that you recognized what they did or said and would like to have a conversation about it.

3. Express your feeling and needs to other person in a calm and direct manner.

The third step to managing a conflict is tell the person in a calm and direct manner exactly how you are feeling what you need from them. Good sample language to use is:

“I felt X (angry) when you did Y (spoke to me like that)”

“I need for you to do X (speak to me with more kindness in the future)”

This can be very challenging to do because we may feel awkward or uncomfortable. We may not know how the other person will respond. Also, many of us have been conditioned to avoid conflict or anger. So, we often feel uncomfortable addressing other people when we are angry or need something from them. However, the advantage of telling another person what you need and how you feel is that you will most likely feel better about yourself because you have expressed your authentic feelings and needs. Additionally, it does NOT guarantee that you will get what you want or change the other person, but it increases the chances and it allows the other person to better understand you. Further, it also helps you realize if the other person will respect your boundaries or not. After these conversations, you may realize the other person will respect your boundaries and change their behavior around you. However, if they are not willing to respect
your boundaries, then at least you are aware of that and then can decide if this person is someone it is even possible to have a healthy relationship with.

4. Ask them: “Is this something you can do for me?”

The next step would be to ask the person if this is something they can do. This accomplishes a few things. First, it gives the other person more autonomy in the situation and lets them feel like they have more control. Second, if the person says yes, then you have their compliance. People are more likely to do something they have said they will do. And, you can remind them in the future that they agreed to do this.

5. Ask them: “Is there anything you need from me?”

This final step allows for the other person to express what they may need from you in the future. This may also allow them to express any frustration they may be feeling and allow you to know if there is something you could do differently to help them. This also helps you better understand the person and can deepen a relationship. It can also decrease the chances that they will build up resentment against you.

Obviously, these steps may vary from situation to situation. And, you may want to find your own language or style to fit with your personality and situation. However, this is a good outline that you can use to help you manage a conflict with another person to turn it into a learning and growth opportunity/conversation, rather than the conflict getting into a heated argument or becoming passive. This is not always easy to do. And, no matter how well you know the person, you are likely to experience some level of nervousness before and during the conversation. However, using this conflict resolution outline will increase the chances of reaching an agreement and at the very least help you express your most authentic feelings and needs in an assertive manner.

Conflict management can help us improve our relationships with others and ourselves. If you are struggling to find the right way to manage a conflict, you can work with a psychiatrist, including online psychiatrists. For more information about working with an online psychiatrist you can visit:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/psychologists/is-online-psychiatry-effective/

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Categories : Relationships, Self-Realization

Collateral Beauty movie review

Posted by Matt Welsh

· February 4, 2020

· 2 Comments

Collateral Beauty is a movie about a man (Will Smith) who is visited by the physical manifestation of Time, Death, and Love to help him grieve the death of his daughter. I did not know what to expect when I saw the trailer for this movie when I watched it, but this movie has made an impression on me. Without going into a lot of the plot details, I will tell you that one idea in the film that touched me was the idea of finding beauty in the midst of a tragedy.

This movie goes beyond simply finding meaning and purpose in the midst of suffering and goes one step further to find actual beauty during a tragedy. Victor Frankel, the founder Existential therapy and author of Man’s Search for Meaning is a real life example of how its possible to find beauty in the midst of suffering. He spent his life in a concentration camp during the holocaust where he was fed fish heads for meals. Victor Frankel wrote about how he found beauty in the fish head. Dr. David Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D also wrote about how he can find beauty in a piece of trash because that peace of trash is a perfect piece of trash.

However, part of the magic of watching this movie is that we get to witness the facial expressions, emotions, and pain that Will Smith’s character goes through during his suffering. Also, the movie does not sugar coat the tremendous suffering that occurs during grief. Will Smith’s character is in deep pain, extremely sad, and emotionally unwell throughout the movie. He also goes through intense and extreme grief that causes a disruption in his life. The creators of the movie have accurately depicted that grief is unique to the individual experiencing it, does not always have a structured emotional stage, and is truly painful. The writer’s allow Will Smith’s character to express his pain, emotions, and hurt in a manner that is authentic and helpful to him, even if it does not conform with what most people would deem to be a normal expression of grief.

Still, in the midst of the tragedy, pain, and emotional hurt of grief that Smith’s character experiences, he is also encouraged by characters playing Love, Death, and Time to not to miss the beauty in his life, even in though he is going through intense grief. This made me wonder if I ever miss the beauty that is around me even though I might be experiencing stress, anxiety, or emotional distress. If Victor Frankel can find beauty in a fish head for a meal and David Hawkins can find beauty in a piece of trash, then where else is is possible to find beauty? An act of kindness by a co-worker or stranger, a child’s smile, a field of grass or wildflower. These are all possible forms of beauty that we can usually experience most days. Where do you experience beauty?

Peace,
Matthew Welsh
Founder of Spiritual Media Blog

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Categories : Movies, Self-Realization

Tags : grief

Why positive thinking does NOT work & why rational thinking does

Posted by Matt Welsh

· October 4, 2019

· No Comments

Most of us have heard that if we change the way we think about things, then we will feel better. Unfortunately, for most of us, myself included, when I first heard this, I began to engage in overly positive thinking and at times magical thinking. I initially, thought to myself some of these common overly positive thoughts when faced with difficult situations, stressful times, or trying to realize my goals.

I must be happy at all times to be spiritual and or psychologically healthy.

I am a millionaire.

I am a best selling author.

I am always going to be happy, otherwise something is wrong with me.

I am not afraid of anything and fear, anger, or sadness is a sign that I am doing something wrong and will cause me to attact more fear and failure into my life.

If I am not achieving all of my goals right now, then the universe is not supporting me or I made a mistake.

Everybody will like me all of the time.

There are no problems in my life and there never will be any problems in my life.

Life must always be easy or else my consciousness is a little low today.

I must be happy and feel good to attract good things into my life.

I must feel better right now.

I need this person’s love and approval.

I need to feel better fast.

I need to succeed and do well at ___

These type of thoughts may provide a temporary sense of euphoria. But, for many people, they are setting themselves up for unhappiness, inauthenticity, avoiding their feelings, numbing themselves, and/or not recognizing legitimate problems that can be solved through rational thinking and the appropriate behavior. It also may lead them away from being in touch with their humanity or authentic self….

Similarly, overly negative or pessimistic thoughts are not helpful either. Some of these common pessimistic thoughts I have thought at times include the following:

I can’t stand this situation.

I can’t tolerate this.

This person should like me.

That person is wrong.

He is an asshole.

This person should not do that.

Others should be like I want them to be, otherwise it’s awful and whoever is responsible is no damn good.

If something bad happens to me, it is because I attracted it, deserved it, and it’s all my fault.

I can’t tolerate any pain, discomfort, or deprivation.

It’s all this person’s fault and this person made the mistake.

I need something else to happen to be okay.

Both overly positive and overly negative thoughts can be problematic because they actually may make us feel worse and lead to unhealthy behavior and worse relationships. However, this does not mean we should throw the baby out with the bath water. Our thoughts can and do have a big influence on the way we feel and how we behave, which in turn can directly influence our relationships and ability to acheive our goals in our life. What is important is that we engage in the most helpful or useful form of thinking. Psychologist Albert Ellis called this type of thinking Rational Thinking and used Rational Thinking to help people decrease their anxiety, manage their depression, and improve their interpersonal relationships in a form of psychotherapy called Rational Emotive Therapy. In short rational thinking are thoughts that:

1. Thoughts that are in our long term best interest

2. Thoughts that we can prove are true

For example, if the thought is in our long term best interest and we can prove that the thought is true, then it is a rational thought and can help us feel better and act in a more efficient or effective manner, which will in turn increase the likelihood of helping us improve our relationships and increase the chances of us reaching our goals…However, rational thinking is not magical or positive or wishful thinking because it does not eliminate negative emotions or guarantee that we will get our results. It simply makes us feel a little bit better or a little less bad and improves our ability to take more conscious and helpful actions. It tends to decrease the intensity of a negative emotion, but it doesn’t make the negative emotion completely go away:

Examples of these rational thinking are:

a. I may not like this situation, but I can handle it

b. I may not like what happened to be, but I am willing to learn from this situation

c. I would like this person’s love or approval, but I don’t need this person’s love or approval

d. It’s not worth it to lose my temper or get out of control in this situation.

e. I am going to focus on what I can control and realize that I can not control everything

f. Perhaps there is another reason this person is acting this way that I do not realize

These those are rational thoughts because all of them are in our long term best interest AND we can prove the thought is true. If you look at the initial overly positive thoughts or overly negative thoughts, they are either NOT in our long term best interest nor can we prove they are true.

Engaging in rational thinking can and does change the way we feel for the better, which improves our behavior and often increases, but doesn’t guarentee, the likelihood that we will acheive our goals in life. If you have ever felt like your irrational thinking has got in the way of having a healthy romantic relationship, consider visiting https://www.regain.us/advice/counseling/use-online-couples-counseling-to-get-your-relationship-back-on-track/ for information about couples counseling.

If you have any questions about rational emotive therapy, you can look it up or read more about it from Albert Ellis…Or, you can ask me because I have studied it and practiced it…And, it has helped me feel better and improve the results I wanted to get in my life…

Peace,
Matthew Welsh
Founder of Spiritual Media Blog

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Categories : New Media, Self-Realization

How to manage painful emotions

Posted by Matt Welsh

· September 19, 2019

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Many self-help authors, psychologists and spiritual teachers suggest avoiding negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, depression, sadness, and guilt. However, I think their recommendations are incomplete and potentially unhelpful because they fail to understand the complexity of emotion….

First, many fail to understand that emotions are not black or white. Rather, there is a range of intensity in emotions. For example, a person is not either angry or not angry or in fear or not in fear. Rather, anger could be on a continuum of intensity ranging on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1-3 representing no anger (or perhaps repressed, denied or passive anger) to 4-6 representing mild or controlled anger. This range may represent assertive anger, where expressing your anger in a calm and direct manner can address an injustice or boundary violation and prevent future injustices or future boundary violations. However, anger ranging in 7 – 10 intensity range may be considered extreme or aggressive anger, which is usually characterized by anger controlling you to leading to acts of aggression such as yelling, intimidation, threats, insults, and violence and feelings of guilt or regret after the uncontrolled expression of extreme anger.

Thus, anger, and all emotions (grief, anxiety, depression) vary in their range or intensity of the emotion. Further that range of intensity or way in which emotion is managed or expressed is what is associated with helpful or unhelpful additional emotions and behavior and outcomes. Thus it is how the emotion is managed or expressed that contributes to our wellbeing and outcome, not simply the emotion itself…

This is important to realize because I believe and would argue that extreme levels of anger in the 7-10 range are rarely or never healthy because they are characterized by the emotion controlling our actions and expressing the emotion or anger in ways that we regret (e.g. insulting someone or acts of extreme aggression).

On the other range of emotion (in the 1 – 3 passive range), people may deny or repress their emotion or anger, which is not healthy either. A person may appear to be calm in this state, but may actually be bottling up their emotion or avoiding dealing with an emotion. This is the risk of self-help authors or psychologists or spiritual leaders telling someone to just be positive, think positive thoughts, and do something to make you happy. Many people would characterize this as being passive, in denial, or repression if you are ‘being positive’ at the cost of avoiding dealing with the actual negative emotion. This may have short term benefit of avoiding the experience of feeling or expressing a painful emotion, or confronting someone who we are angry at. However, denying or repressing an emotion or being passive with our emotions has a long term negative consequence of future outbursts, resentment towards others and self, and risks future boundary violations or injustices occurring because they were never addressed in the first place. It is also potentially inauthentic and dishonest to deny our painful emotions because we are not being true to how we are actually feeling about our self or with others. Simply being positive and not dealing with our painful emotions is especially unhelpful advice when someone is grieving the death of a loved one, job loss, or relationship break up or is understandably angry at an abuser or any sort of unhealthy boundary violation.

On the other end of the emotional intensity spectrum (7-10 aggressive range), some self-help gurus, spiritual leaders, and psychologists will tell you to always express your emotions and feelings no matter what. This has the risk of leading to uncontrolled expressions of emotion and behavior, aggressive acts, our emotions (e.g., anger) controlling us, and consequent feelings of guilt and regret about our uncontrolled expression of behavior, things we say to other people, or acts we may commit when we uncontrollably let lose with emotion.

Alternatively, if we can identify our authentic emotions and then identify the intensity of the emotion, then we can manage and express it in a healthy or assertive manner (4-6 assertive range). For example, simply identifying that you are angry (or sad or anxious) can actually help you decrease the intensity of that anger and put you in more control of your emotions. Further, identifying the intensity of that emotion can help you know if you are at risk of managing your emotion in a passive or aggressive manner and then prompt you to manage it in an assertive manner.

Managing and expressing painful emotions is often more complex than simply avoiding negative emotions or always expressing the full depths of our emotions. A healthy and assertive way to manage and express negative emotions is to recognize that extreme levels of emotion on both ends of the emotional intensity spectrum, either aggression or passive management of emotion are almost always unhealthy and put you at risk of problematic behaviors. The solution is the ‘middle way’ or the identification of the intensity of emotion and healthy assertive expression of the emotion. For example, there is nothing wrong with feelings of anger or fear, in and of themself, if that anger or fear is expressed in a healthy, controlled and assertive manner.

The following steps are helpful ways to manage the INTENSITY of your emotions and express them in an assertive manner. They will not eliminate the negative emotion like some authors would advise you to do; nor will they have you expressing the full depths of your emotion without any regard to the negative consequences of uncontrolled expressions of emotion. Rather these steps will help you regulate the intensity of the emotion to a healthy manner so that you are more in control of your emotions, and are more likely to authentically and consciously choose how to manage painful emotions.

1. Identify the emotion
2. Identify the intensity of the emotion on a scale ranging from 1 – 10
3. Ask yourself: Why am I feeling this way?
4. Focus on your breath
5. State your emotion in a calm and direct manner to someone who will listen to you in an empathetic, caring, and safe way. For example, simply state out loud: “I am feeling angry right now.”

If you do not feel safe stating that to someone then you can write this down in a journal.

This will help decrease the intensity of your emotion so that you can act in a more controlled, authentic, and assertive manner. It will also help you express your painful emotions in a more authentic and safe manner so that they do not stay bottled up nor do they get aggressively unleashed.

This process of managing painful emotions is echoed in Rumi’s poem The Guest House, which is copied below:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Peace,
Dr. Matthew Welsh, J.D., Ph.D.
Founder of Spiritual Media Blog

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Categories : New Media, Self-Realization