Spiritual Media Blog

Interview with Jeff Brown on how to follow your callings

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 24, 2019

Jeff Brown is the author of Soulshaping: A Journey of Self-Creation, the inspiring memoir of an archetypal “male warrior” – a trial lawyer- who struggled to find his heart and a more authentic, soulful path. Rivetingly personal and profoundly universal, this book is for anyone who has heard a whisper of something truer calling out to them amid the distractions of modern life.

In our interview, Jeff shares how he was able to follow his calling to write in spite of facing intense economic, spiritual and personal obstacles. He also gives advice on how you can follow your calling even if you have practical concerns such as not being able to make enough money. Throughout our conversation, Jeff reveals some of the lessons he learned along the way and goes into great detail about the inner work he did throughout his journey. You can listen to our interview on iTunes by visiting:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/interview-jeff-brown-author/id308845604?i=63619525

For more information on Soulshaping and Jeff Brown, you can visit http://www.soulshaping.com/ or press the play button below to listen to our interview.

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Categories : Books, Exclusive Interviews, Self-Realization

Tags : Jeff Brown, Soulshaping

Meditation to find your true self

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 23, 2019

· No Comments

There are many ways to know who you are. But more often than not, who we are is profoundly shaped by the society that we’re in. As behaviorists suggest, the society that we’re in influences the choices that we make.

As such, this presses a problematic issue: are we truly free? Is our conscience ‘in control’? If not, can there be any meaning to our existence?

The answer to these questions challenges the very foundations of human life. If our choices are determined by the external factors around us, then can there be any freedom at all?

In this case, we can see that freedom is at the center of understanding ourselves. Without freedom, we are nothing but mere products of processes and forces around us. Like plants and animals who operate strictly under the laws of nature, our choices can be determined instead of made by us.

Such a premise leads us to the point that without freedom, it would be impossible to find our true self. If we live our lives no different from a predator catching its prey, then there can be no ‘I’ amid all the things happening in this world.

Whether we like it or not, a lot of us has been living this way. By merely being there to pay our bills while filling out our social roles, we become automatons instead of autonomous human beings. By being less aware, we can be absorbed by the trivialities and worldly affairs of life, like a bird with wings yet forever caught in a cage.

And so, such premises necessitate that we search for our true self. How do we know who we are?

One answer to this question is meditation. This process involves an internal resting state – a time wherein we can empty ourselves from unnecessary thought. By meditating (regardless of the style used), the basic premise is emptying our minds from idle and active ideas. Such a technique allows our mind to breathe in the fresh air, as we disengage from confusion and stress.

With the process of meditation, we get to mentally sit-back and reflect internally. Like a soda kicking in, such a process will heighten the level of our consciousness which restores our inner control. Meaning, as we do meditation, we also see our lives at a distance allowing us to become more than the result of processes and forces around us.

Going back, meditation is a concrete way of regularly and effectively finding our true self. As we continually engage in this simple process, we train our minds to be consistently conscious not only of our thoughts but also of who we are as individuals.

By making this habit of self-reflection through meditation, we are in conversation with ourselves. This brings us closer to who we were and who we can be, both of which will influence who we are right now.

Thus, make sure that you allot enough time each day or week to do your own personal meditation. By setting aside time for it, you allow yourself to rest and be active both at the same time. Continually doing it will enable you to reap the long-term benefits of knowing yourself.

Author Biography:

Chris is the head writer at Individualogist.com, a spirituality and self discovery website that uses its proprietary archetype quiz to identify people’s dominant personality types.

Website: https://individualogist.com

Facebook: https://facebook.com/individualogist
Instagram: https://instagram.com/individualogistig

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Categories : Guest Posts

Tags : meditation

Feel the Benefit of Yoga in 1 Month with 5 Easy Yoga Poses

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 22, 2019

· No Comments

By Bipin Baloni

The ancient tradition of yoga that took birth in the Indian sub-continent is much more than just a mere physical exercise. The word yoga comes from the Sanskrit word ‘yuj’ which means to unite or join. Yoga is a way of life through which a person attains unification of the individual consciousness with the higher ‘self’ or universal consciousness.

The spiritual discipline of yoga focuses on harmonizing the body, mind and soul through different practices or principles. Patanjali, the great Indian sage came up with the 8 limbs of yoga which guides a person on how to live life the yogic way and gradually progress towards the final state of enlightenment or Samadhi. Among the 8 limbs of yoga, asanas are the physical exercises meant to keep the body healthy, fit and strong. Since the soul resides in the body (the vehicle), it is important to take proper care of the body in the quest for enlightenment.

There are numerous yoga poses and styles available but for those who are just stepping into the vast world of yoga, a few foundational poses can do wonders in just a month. Here’s a look at 5 such yoga poses:

Tadasana (Mountain Pose)

This is the foundational pose for all types of standing poses. The Mountain Pose can be practiced during any time and helps in improving body posture, reduces flat feet, tones the abdomen and buttocks, improves balance and make the spine agile.

How to do:

Stand straight with the legs apart by a few inches.
Hands should hang beside the body.
Keep the thigh muscles engaged and lift the kneecaps.
Draw in the abdomen, expand the chest and keep the shoulders relaxed.
The palms of the hands should be facing the body.

Contraindications

Those with the following issues should avoid the practice of this asana:

Low Blood Pressure
Insomnia
Headache

Trikonasana (Triangle Pose)

Trikonasana or the Triangle Pose resembles the shape of a triangle and hence the name. Apart from improving bodily functions, the pose stretches the muscles and needs to be practiced with the eyes open. Regular practice of the pose aids digestion, reduces stress and anxiety as well as strengthens the chest, legs, arms, ankles and knees.

How to do:

Stand straight with a gap of 3-4 feet between the legs.
Place the right foot at ninety degrees and the left foot at fifteen degrees.
Ensure that the entire weight of the body is equally distributed.
Inhale and while exhaling bend the body towards the right keeping the waist straight.
Touch the ground with the right hand and lift up the left arm.
Look at your left palm and be stable.
Keep breathing normally.
Hold the position for 30 seconds, release and repeat on the other side.

Contraindications

People with neck problems should avoid looking up and instead, look straight.
Those with heart conditions should perform the pose against a wall.
Those suffering from diarrhea, headache or low blood pressure should avoid the pose.

Adho Mukha Svanasana (Downward Facing Dog Pose)

Ever noticed a dog stretching out its front paws and bending the body backward? That’s Adho Mukha Svanasana or Downward Facing Dos pose. It is quite an easy pose which needs to be performed when the stomach and bowels are empty. Daily practice of the pose improves blood circulation, digestion, decreases anxiety and strengthens the muscles of the abdomen.

How to do:

Stand on all fours resembling the shape of a table.
Breathe out, straighten the knees and elbows and lift the hips slightly.
Ensure that the body forms the shape of the letter ‘V’.
Press firmly with the palms on the ground and shift the gaze towards the navel.
Keep breathing.
Stay in the position for 15 seconds and gently release.

Contraindications

People suffering from the following conditions should avoid the pose:

High Blood Pressure
Dislocated Shoulder
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Detached Retina
Diarrhea
Weak Eye Capillaries

Virabhadrasana 1 (Warrior 1 Pose)

The pose resembles a mythical warrior and is undoubtedly an elegant and graceful pose that comes with a plethora of benefits. This pose is a must include when it comes to 200 hour yoga teacher training in Bangalore, Rishikesh, Nepal or any location. The asana helps to treat frozen shoulders, relaxes the mind, strengthens the legs, arms and back and increases stamina.

How to do:

Stand straight with the legs 3-4 feet apart.
Rotate the right feet outwards by ninety degrees.
Rotate the left feet by fifteen degrees.
Lift the arms so that they are parallel to the ground (palms should face upwards).
Bend the right knee slightly and ensure that the ankle and knee forms a straight line.
Look to the right.
Now join both the palms in Namaskar position above the head.
Keep breathing and feel relaxed in the pose.
Hold the position for 30 seconds and repeat on the other side.

Contraindications

People with chronic illness and spinal issues need to consult their GP before practicing the pose.
People with high BP (blood pressure) and heart issues should avoid the pose.

Paschimottanasana (Seated Forward Bend Pose)

A beautiful Hatha Yoga pose, Paschimottanasana (Seated Forward Bend Pose) is especially beneficial for those suffering from high blood pressure and diabetes. It is also a wonderful pose for stretching the entire body.

How to do:

Sit with a straight back and the legs stretched out in front.
Take a deep breath and raise the arms.
While breathing out, bend forward and move the chin towards the toes.
Again take a breath, slightly lift the head and elongate the spine.
Breathe out and move the navel close to the knees.
Keep doing it a few times and release gently after 3-4 minutes.

Contraindications:

Those suffering from diarrhea and asthma should not practice this pose.
Pregnant women should avoid this pose.
Those with back injuries should take the help of a professional teacher before doing this pose.

Practice the above mentioned 5 yoga poses on a daily basis for one month and witness the physical and mental change yourself.

Author bio:

Bipin Baloni is a passionate Yogi, Yoga Teacher and a Traveller in India. He organize 200 hour yoga teacher training in Rishikesh. Bipin Baloni conducts Yoga Teacher Training in India in different cities. He loves writing and reading books related to yoga, health, nature and the Himalayas.

Website: https://shwaasa.org/

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Categories : Guest Posts

A Different Perspective on the Titanic Disaster

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 21, 2019

· No Comments

As the Titanic plunged to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, Colonel Archibald Gracie was sucked down with it. However, he somehow managed to surface and survive, and he soon found himself sprawled on an overturned life raft, his clothes waterlogged and his teeth chattering from the icy cold. He noticed that the seaman next to him on
the raft had a dry cap and asked him if he could borrow it for just a few minutes to warm his head. “And what wad oi do?” was the curt reply. “Ah, never mind,” said Gracie, as he thought “it would make no difference a hundred years hence.”

Those hundred years are up this year on April 15 and we might assume that it no longer makes any difference to Colonel Gracie, wherever and however he now exists. But understanding Gracie’s ordeal and those of the other 2,222 passengers, including the crew, of the Titanic, might make a difference now for some people – those interested in learning from the experiences of others while searching for greater meaning in life’s suffering and tragedies.

Basically, the Titanic story is about dying and death, a subject many people don’t like to think about. “Dying is especially difficult in America,” writes Kathleen Dowling Singh, Ph.D., an experienced hospice worker, in her 1998 book, the Grace in Dying. “Our cultural blinders to the world of Spirit, to the transpersonal realms, have left us bereft of meaning, struggling alone with the chaos of psychic deconstruction and physical dissolution.”

Clearly, science and technology have raced far ahead of our ability to adapt to the changes they have brought about, especially the ability to integrate spiritual ideas and discoveries with those scientific and technological advances. Quite a few people have succumbed to believing in a strictly mechanistic universe, one devoid of a spiritual world.

It has been my observation that most of those people – the “scientific fundamentalists” – are reacting against the superstitions of orthodox religion, not really grasping the difference between the views of orthodoxy and the spirituality which many true seekers of truth have come to recognize. Others cling to the dogma and doctrine of various religions, refusing to accept more progressive and enlightened spiritual views.

This book is not quite like other books about the Titanic. As the title suggests, it is an attempt to explore the more transcendental aspects of the Titanic story – those suggesting a non-mechanistic universe. The subjects include premonitions, apparitions, out-of-body experiences, telepathic communication among the living, and after-death communication, many related to the Titanic passengers, others offered in support of the Titanic phenomena. Key among the passengers is William T. Stead, a British journalist. Although much has been written about Stead’s spiritual pursuits and experiences, very little of it has been discussed in other books about the disaster. Thus, I believe that the book is somewhat unique in this respect.

Unlike other books about the Titanic, this one does not go into a lot of detail about the ship and its passengers. However, Chapter One offers a general overview of what took place between the time the ship hit an iceberg and the time the surviving passengers were rescued.

“A Different Perspective on the Titanic Disaster” is an excerpt from Transcending the Titanic: Beyond Death’s Door by Michael Tymn published by White Crow Books.

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Categories : Books, Guest Posts

How to Find the Strength to Leave a Relationship

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 19, 2019

· No Comments

By Renee Linnell, Author of The Burn Zone

It takes tremendous courage to leave a relationship that no longer fits. It takes tremendous self-love to know you deserve better. It takes tremendous faith to believe something better, someone better lies just around the corner in your future. It takes tremendous wisdom to feel deep in your bones that you were born to live a life of joy and that everything you dream about can be yours.

I am here to offer living proof that you do deserve better. That you must leave. That if you can imagine being with someone that loves you and cherishes you, empowers you and uplifts you, someone that makes your heart sing, that you can’t keep your hands off of, that makes your eyes sparkle and your pulse quicken, that person exists. How can it not be so?

But the key to finding that person is believing in yourself. Loving yourself. Giving yourself everything you want to come from the other person: the love, the admiration, the flowers, the nice dinners. The key is turning yourself into the person you are looking for. If you want someone with a stable career, find a stable career yourself. If you want someone fit and healthy, become fit and healthy yourself. If you want someone that speaks a second language or loves to travel, start doing both yourself. If you want someone that dresses well, start dressing well yourself. Not only does Law of Attraction come into play once you do this, but you suddenly start thriving in ways you never did before. You become happier. You become filled with life force energy. You begin to glow and that glow is sexy. You feel more confident and that confidence is sexy. You have taken the reins, you are no longer stuck waiting for someone to come along and make you feel sexy or confident or powerful or loved.

Many of us fall in love with the potential of a partner. And then we become infuriated that s/he does not live up to it. This also has to stop. What you see is what you get. And what you get is a mirror image of your own vibration. So the surest way to attract in a thriving, happy, content, and whole partner is to become that yourself first. Before you start looking.

If we are walking a spiritual path or evolving in any way, we will outgrow relationships with people that are not doing the work to evolve. And that’s okay. It’s no big deal. But, as a plant outgrows a pot, if it does not get moved to something larger it will begin to die. The same happens to us. The sickness comes. The aches and pains. The headaches and backaches and depression. Our life force begins to dwindle. We become lethargic and choose lifeless foods. The weight accumulates, or we become extra skinny. Then the self loathing comes. All of it easily changed if we would just move to a larger pot. Demand more for ourselves. Choose fear of the unknown over the illusory safety of the familiar. Let go of belief systems, friends, and family that tell us we have to stay.

Don Miguel Luis says, in his book The Four Agreements, that we will allow others to abuse us as much as we abuse ourselves. If they abuse us a little less or as much, we will stay. If they abuse us just a little more, we will leave. So the questions are: How much do you abuse yourself? How often do you criticize? And how can you stop? Baby steps is the answer. Little acts of self-nurturing and self-love.

Paulo Coelho, in his book The Alchemist, says once we know what we want the entire universe conspires to help us. Esther Hicks says the same in Ask and it is Given. So, test it. Decide you are done. Decide you want more. Decide to take the leap of faith. It’s called a leap of faith because we jump without seeing the landing. We just trust that it is time to jump and know wherever we land, it will be better. And only once we’re in the air are we able to discover we have wings.

“Come to the edge,” he said.

“We can’t, we’re afraid!” they responded.

“Come to the edge,” he said.

“We can’t, We will fall!” they responded.

“Come to the edge,” he said.

And so they came.

And he pushed them.

And they flew.

― Guillaume Apollinaire

About the Author:

Renee Linnell is the author of The Burn Zone: A Memoir, now available on Audible. She is a serial entrepreneur who has founded and cofounded five companies and has an Executive Masters in Business Administration from New York University. Currently she is working on starting a publishing company to give people from diverse walks of life an opportunity to tell their stories. She divides her time between Colorado and Southern California. For more information, please visit https://reneelinnell.com and follow Renee on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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Categories : Books, Guest Posts, Relationships

Alcoholism: My Jekyll and Hide

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 18, 2019

· No Comments

By Dave McCall

I was born and raised in a small, rather boring town. I always wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am. It was difficult for me to love and appreciate myself. I always seemed to find love and comfort at the bottom of a bottle. The truth is my love for alcohol prevented me from achieving and acquiring a lot of things. I dropped out of college because drinking was my major. I lost friends, girlfriends and family because alcohol was my one true love. I was a real-life Jekyll and Hyde when it came to being sober versus being drunk.

Liquid Courage

Alcohol made me feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin. The “liquid courage” boosted my confidence and ego. It changed what I thought was a cruel, cold world into my own fun, reckless playground. Alcohol was my medicine. I used it to drown in my own sorrows, mistakes and failures. I thought alcohol was always a solution to every problem rather than just a problem. I always tried to find an excuse to drink– holidays, sporting events, vacations, etc. I was a short-fused firecracker enough as it was sober. My drinking shortened that fuse, if not set it off completely. My family had told me on several occasions I had a drinking problem. I was too ignorant and stubborn as a young teen and young adult. I kept being told alcohol alters moods, brain chemistry and behavior even when sober. Knowing what I know now and feeling the way I feel now, I believe it to be true. I was an angry, irritable person in general. Drinking intensified it. I found myself frequently getting into fights and arguments with my family. The cops were called on a few occasions. I would also find myself getting wasted and initiating senseless fights at parties.

Alcohol: My One True Love

I was never able to maintain a stable love life due to my love for drinking. I was too ignorant to see the correlation between my drinking and failed relationships. Certain events throughout one particular relationship created jealousy, selfishness, arrogance, complacency and pride. I was a belligerent alcoholic. I said and did whatever I wanted without thinking about short or long term consequences. I could not slip out of the insanity of alcoholism. I could not learn from my mistakes. Every time I felt like a relationship was failing, I would resort to drinking rather than attempt to put any effort into changing my ways. I was a true alcoholic. I was selfish. I always put my love for drinking over love for myself, family, friends or lovers.

The Truth Comes Out

As I got older, I came to the sad conclusion that I was no longer drinking to be happy. I was drinking because I was insecure and unhappy with who I was as a person. How can anyone love me if I cannot love myself first? I thought alcohol hid my flaws and character defects. Instead, it only exposed my flaws and weaknesses. I loved alcohol because I thought it helped me love myself. I loved alcohol so much I thought it would be the death of me. Everyone who cared about me could see I was plunging myself into an alcoholic abyss. The truth is, I did not care. Why should I? My drinking had cost me jobs, higher education, family, friends and lovers. Why not pay the price with my own life? Alcohol took half my life away from me. Finally, a trip to rehab helped me understand myself and the curse of alcoholism. Since then, my sobriety clock keeps ticking, however, people such as myself can never get too complacent. We wake up with the disease of alcoholism every day. We must rely on a power greater than ourselves to not pick up a drink again. Sobriety has given me a whole new perspective on life. Sobriety has given me clarity. I can acknowledge and accept the error of my ways. I can forgive myself for the damage I had done to family, friends and lovers. I know it was not the real me. I hope everyone who was unfortunate to cross paths with me during that time knows it too.

Bio
Dave McCall is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. He writes for websites such as https://www.taylorrecovery.com in hopes of spreading awareness on addiction and alcoholism. He stays active in his recovery community, encouraging others to live and enjoy a sober lifestyle.

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Categories : Addiction, Guest Posts

How To Maintain A High Vibration Even When You’re Feeling Down

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 17, 2019

· 1 Comment

By Charlie, from https://moderndaymanifestations.com

“Be positive!”

These two seemingly simple words can evoke a range of different emotions…Excitement for someone who is waiting in anticipation. Encouragement for someone who is feeling doubtful. But, for the person who is in deep emotional despair…The words “be positive”can sometimes seem downright annoying!

We have all been there…

Trying to maintain a high vibration in order to manifest the best possible outcome for this earth experience, only to meet with a bump in the road.

A backward step on the path to our dreams and desires. Depression, anxiety, whichever form this dark shadow casts, it’s always a blow to the body’s energetic frequency.

What makes it worse is knowing that you are supposed to be positive and fearing the effect that this momentary weakness may have on your highest path…

But, guess what?

Crappy feelings are not the end of the world!

They are not going to send your manifestations into the abyss nor are they going to inhibit your spiritual growth…

So stop feeling bad about feeling bad!

The truth is that feeling “low” is all part of the human experience.

We perceive life as dualistic…

There’s no light without dark…

No sunshine without rain…

And no bliss without sadness…

This point is especially valid when it comes to manifestation…

After all, how can you ever know what it is that you want out of life if you haven’t first experienced the things that you don’t want?

It’s always frustrating to hear so-called “spiritual gurus” telling people that enlightenment is the ability to disassociate with pain and feel nothing but pure bliss.

This condition is not enlightenment, it’s psychopathy.

Not feeling anger toward those who hurt others…

Not feeling pain for all of the suffering that goes on in the world…

How could anyone be so far removed and yet claim to be connected?

Get this…

Your pain is not lowering your vibration, your inability to continue healing and growing is!

You do not need to maintain a chirpy, bubbly persona 100% of the time in order to be considered “high-vibe”. But you probably don’t want to slump around depressed your entire life either.

Here is the ultimate truth…

Just as the physical universe is ever expanding, so are we. Your vibration is therefore only affected by your depression when you don’t accept, learn and grow from it. And yes, part of that growth will be about steering yourself toward better feelings. After all, a positive attitude has been proven to be directly linked with success…But in order to achieve that positive attitude, you need to stop being so hard on yourself!

Quit with the self-guilt tripping and invite more love and acceptance into your life.

Now, you may be asking “but how do I do that?”

And that would be a fair question. It’s not easy to reach joy from a place of anger, sadness or depression and therefore the journey to raising your vibration must be done in small, easy to reach steps. Here are some examples:

1.) Distraction

The last thing you probably want to do while feeling low is to work on having more positive thoughts. In fact, if anything, this could possibly end up stressing you out even more. Instead, distract yourself.

Write a list of all the things that you can do right now…

Again, if you feel like the task is going to cause more pain than it’s worth, leave it out.

Fill your list with simple tasks such as…

Make the bed
Have lunch
Empty the dishwasher
Take a shower

As you distract yourself with everyday tasks, you will begin to pull your mind away from a lower vibration and into the present moment.

2.) Reach For The Next Best Feeling

When you are feeling low, joy and happiness are often just too hard to reach from your current gloomy state. So instead, why not treat your emotions like a ladder? Move your way up step by step always reaching for the next best feeling. Anger feels better than sadness, frustration feels better than anger and so on. Remember, when it comes to raising your vibration it’s all about growth.

3.) Self Love

Self-love is a great way to recharge when you’re feeling down…But what does self-love look like? Well, that depends entirely on you! There are no hard and fast rules on how you choose to take care of yourself. For some, it may mean a quiet evening of rest and relaxation…For others, it may be a nature hike in the woods…It’s all about the things that make you feel good! The things that you love but perhaps don’t make time to do enough of. Treat yourself to some guilt-free self-love, you deserve it!

4.) Social Time

Friends and family are great for picking us up when we’re feeling down! Nobody sees your greatness quite like the people who love you. Therefore, if you feel your frequency getting low, surround yourself with people who make you feel good. Social time is a great release. It’s a way to talk about the things that are getting you down. When you express yourself within an understanding environment, you naturally release and let go of any heavy energy weighing you down. Whenever you surround yourself with high vibrational people, your energy can’t help but raise up to meet those higher frequency levels. As the saying goes, “you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” With that being said, it’s easy to see why quality social time is so powerful for maintaining a high vibe.

5.) Meditation

Meditation is hands down the best tool for maintaining a high vibration even when you are feeling down! In fact, people who commit to a meditation routine for even just 10 minutes a day are able to maintain more balance and positivity in general than those who do not meditate at all. Meditation allows you to step out of pain and depression and simply observe from a higher perspective. It calms both the mind and body while allowing a heightened sense of awareness between you and your higher self. Meditation has been used not just for raising vibration but also for manifestation in general as well as cementing a deeper connection with the universe.

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Categories : Guest Posts

Q&A with Drs. John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman, authors of EIGHT DATES: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 16, 2019

· No Comments

You have become famous for your ability to predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will get a divorce. How is that possible?

Dr. John Gottman: We have systematically observed thousands of couples having conflict and other conversations with one another, with synchronized physiology, and then followed these same couples for as long as 20 years. We have interviewed couples about their relationship history and philosophy. Our ability to predict has emerged from the extensive data we have collected over the past 46 years of careful research.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: Over the last 46 years we have observed over 3,000 heterosexual, gay, and lesbian couples as they discussed a conflict and the events of their day by videotaping them, measuring their physiology, and also interviewing them. Then we’ve repeated these procedures every one to three years, some for over 20 years, while tracking who divorced, who stayed together unhappily and who remained happily married. By analyzing the mountains of data we collected, second by second, we were able to identify specific relationship factors that could predict the future of their relationships. Eventually we found that based on one lab visit, we could predict a couple’s relationship quality six years down the road with over 90 percent accuracy.

What is the most important thing a couple can do to have a happy, healthy marriage?

Dr. John Gottman:The single most important thing a couple can do to have a happy, healthy relationship is to “attune” to their partner’s emotions when the partner is upset. Attunement requires non-defensive listening and understanding.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: To have a happy healthy relationship, each person needs to non-defensively and compassionately LISTEN to their partner and try their best to empathize with them. We call this special skill “attunement.” Nothing beats empathy.

Why is communication so vital in a relationship?

Dr. John Gottman: With effective communication, a couple builds trust. Trust occurs when both partners are looking out for–and care about the interests–of each other, when they have one another’s back.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: We human beings are pack animals. We survive best when we work together to satisfy each other’s needs. Over millennia we have developed powerful ways of communicating with each other through language, touch, and non-verbal behavior. Communication using these methods allows us to express our needs and to respond to others’ needs. We are also storytellers. Communicating our life experiences with our partners allows us to share our triumphs, strivings, values, and deeper meanings as we move through time together.

Is it important for a couple to have similar beliefs, upbringing and values for a relationship to be successful?

Dr. John Gottman: No. In selecting a lifelong partner, we aren’t searching for our clone. We’re looking for someone very different from us, but very interesting and engaging.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: No, that’s one of the great myths out there about what creates successful relationships. If we paired up with our clone, we’d rapidly get bored. Genetics and other research have shown that we pair up best with someone different from us.

What is the most interesting thing you have discovered through your work–and how did it lead you to write Eight Dates?

Dr. John Gottman: Research has demonstrated that dating websites are all based on the wrong matching algorithms. Furthermore, these websites pair people and then they’re done. Conversations on early dates tend to be very tense, polite, and superficial. We wanted to guide people to have dates that would help them get to very deep levels with one another. Then they can decide–based on these meaningful conversations–whether to move forward or not. We also discovered that these dates are powerful for existing relationships, probably because in many relationships people don’t really know how to go deep with one another to explore important areas of love.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: The most interesting thing we found in our research was that the big predictors of relationship success are very different than those used to match up partners on dating sites. We had already written about how to have successful relationships, but we still hadn’t addressed how to find the right mate in the first place. That’s what this book is all about. Finding the right partner for a potential lasting romance is about being able to communicate well and understand one another when discussing the big issues, e.g., how we like to handle money, sex, fun, adventure, conflicts and so on. We’ve found that very few couples have these “big” conversations early on. And if they do, perhaps they can be helped to make better romantic choices. We’ve also seen lots of couples who don’t ever have these conversations, even after years together. These conversations can help spark and deepen their intimacy, too.

What is the Love Lab, and how did you come up with the idea to create it?

Dr. John Gottman: The Gottman Love Lab is set up to collect synchronized video, emotional, and physiological data from a couple. These data are subjected to sophisticated mathematical analyses that allow us to pinpoint a couple’s strengths and challenges. Based on 46 years and thousands of couples, we can now help couples effectively strengthen their relationships.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: John and his colleague Robert Levenson wanted to understand what predicts whether a relationship will succeed or fail. By studying observational methods, physiology, and mathematics, plus creating and testing questionnaires which took decades, they established the workings of the Love Lab. Now, the Love Lab is a place where a couple comes to have their relationship assessed either for a research study or for their own personal knowledge and help.

If you could give one piece of advice for all couples, what would it be?

Dr. John Gottman: We now understand how to help people get the love they need. It’s no longer a mystery. We can help a couple find peace, intimacy, and joy in their love relationship. There are social skills that can make all the difference, and aren’t very hard to learn, so have hope.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: Listen, listen, and listen. Be sure you understand what your partner is saying and meaning before responding, and when you respond, try to do so with kindness. Treat your partner like they are someone you love.

What prompted you to write Eight Dates?

Dr. John Gottman: We were addressing an unmet need. On dates, people don’t seem to know what to talk about to deepen the conversation and explore important areas of growth in the relationship. We felt that a directed date might be the answer. So we tested various directed dates and discovered eight dates that actually were quite powerful for couples.

Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman: We’ve seen individuals struggling to find the right mate for years. These days, with internet fostered hookups and matchmaking sites, partners may meet for a date or two, or maybe just 10 minutes. They end up leaving and feeling alone, sometimes even despairing that they’ll ever find THE ONE.

We believe that the problem lies in partners not knowing what to look for in a potential lifelong mate. Are they attractive? Smart? Sensitive? Maybe. But can you talk with them about deeper issues? Maybe yes, maybe no. That’s what prompted us to write this book. This book guides both new partners and old to have those conversations, with clear questions to discuss and even suggestions for fun and comfortable settings in which to talk. After going on these dates, partners will have a much better portrait of whether this person is right for them. In addition, for stale relationships that have been ongoing for years, these dates can reinvigorate and reignite connection, love and passion.

Can Eight Datesbe used by couples in long-term relationships?

Dr. John Gottman: These dates are simply magical. Empirically tested on 300 couples (same-sex and heterosexual), they are effective for new relationships and for renewing intimacy in existing relationships. New couples on dates often resort to tense, polite, and superficial chats. During those kinds of dates it’s impossible to tell whether this person is THE ONE, or whether the relationship is doomed. These eight dates help new couples go very deep with one another so they can know whether this relationship has potential–or not. For long-term couples, these dates also have the amazing power to renew understanding, empathy, and emotional intimacy.

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Categories : Books, Exclusive Interviews, Relationships

Chat with Dena Moes, author of The Buddha Sat Right Here: A Family Odyssey Through India and Nepal

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 15, 2019

· 1 Comment

What is your book about and why did you write it?

In 2014, I was trying to be an American Supermom, and failing. From the outside we looked like a perfect family, but on the inside I struggled with anger, resentment, and dissatisfaction. I was a midwife, providing home birth care for women in our community, and on top of that I was trying to “ do it all” – keep a beautiful house, cook organic healthy meals, have my kids in enrichment activities, keep a marriage going, and I was overwhelmed by handling all the details. I would look at myself in the mirror, dark circles under my eyes, and wonder, “Is this it? Is this what I can expect for the next decade of my life? Is this the only way to do family?”

I got this crazy idea – to pull the kids out of school, rent out the house, and take the family on an eight month pilgrimage through India and Nepal. The good news was that my husband had spent a year in India in his twenties, and was open to my wild scheme. In the places where the Buddha lived, in the Himalayan village H.H. the Dalai Lama calls home, in the ashram of Amma the Divine Mother, we would get insights into the true nature of reality, and get perspective on the purpose of this beautiful, precious life we have been given, which I felt I was wasting by running like a hamster on a wheel.

So we did it – we took our remarkable voyage. With backpacks on our shoulders, we criss-crossed India by train, bus, and rickshaw. We trekked in the Himalayas, walked along the Ganges in Varanasi, and lived in the jungles of Kerala. Our daughters Bella and Sophia, then ten and fourteen, were intrepid travel companions, and brought such a richness to our travels, because people love children where ever you go. Of course the journey transformed us in ways we never expected.

Then we returned home and I was faced with life returning to “normal”. When people asked “How was India”, I couldn’t possibly explain – so I started to write this book to answer that question.

“We write to taste life twice – in the the moment and in retrospect”, Anais Nin wrote. I found that writing The Budhha Sat Right Here deepened my understanding of what happened on our whirlwind adventure, and the writing became a journey of its own.

What inspired your family trip to India and why did you choose to visit India?

I have felt a deep spiritual connection to India since I was twenty, and it had always been my dream to go there. As a young woman, yoga saved my body, and then Buddhism saved my mind. The Buddha was born in what is now Nepal, but he lived, and awakened to Buddhahood, and taught, in India.

I met my husband Adam when I found him sitting under a tree, meditating. He had just gotten back from India where he had studied with Tibetan Buddhist masters in rather extraordinary circumstances. Watching him meditate, my first thought was “Whatever he is doing, I should be doing that too.” I sat down beside him and our amazing partnership began.

Our plan was always to go to India together, but babies, house, and businesses followed one after the other. We put off our India travel dreams. Then a remarkable thing happened – my sister, a foreign correspondent living in New Delhi, gave birth to her daughter there and I went to visit her. When I returned, all I could think about was going back, for longer, with the family. “India is a fire in my blood”, I would tell people. India is a fire in my blood.The only way to put out that fire was to go back.

What was the hardest part of the trip? What was the best?

The hardest part of the trip was definitely managing the family dynamics of the four of us traveling together, sharing one room in a guest house most of the time, and basically doing everything together for eight months. We had an an angsty fourteen year old who had a brilliant knack for finding and analayzing the flaws of everyone and everything, a bouncy, imaginative ten year old who loved to give us the slip and get lost, and Adam and I – who loved each other but had fallen into some pretty terrible patterns over the stressful years of parenting, and had relationship issues ready to bubble up. What could possibly go wrong?

The best part of the trip? That one is harder to answer because there are many things. The love of adventure we all share! The togetherness mentioned above was both challenging and extraordinary. The girls got so close, waking up in one room each day to share our dreams, sitting as a family to feast-like dinners night after night Riding night trains, stacked in our tiny berths, waking up to arrive somewhere new and beautiful. The moments when we met the Dalai Lama, hugged Amma, rode a temple elephant in Bodh Gaya, saw the sunrise in the Annapurna…

Above all, the best part of the trip was being able to focus on my spiritual life, something that always got put on the back burner at home. This was a pilgrimage, and we traveled with the intention to get closer to the heart of what really matters. Ultimately we are made of star stuff and our true nature, with all the illusions torn away, is love and wisdom. We took a break from our ordinary lives because the truth had been covered over by habit patterns of distraction. Travel, getting out of the usual routines, created space for transformation, and like layers of an onion, that which is not true was peeled away.

You are Buddhist and considered the trip a pilgrimage of sorts. Will you go to India again? How did this trip deepen your faith?

India deepened my faith in so many ways. When you spend time in holy places, such as Bodh Gaya were the Buddha sat under the tree, people are there for pilgrimage, like you. Everyone you meet helps to lift you up. We made friends with monks and yogis of many stripes and lineages, and their friendships with us filled our days with teachings and inspiration. In these holy places, no one is gossiping our talking about their latest shopping spree – the collective reverence and devotion elevates us all.

Then, we had the good fortune of attending teachings with great masters in India, such as the Tibetan Karmapa, the Dalai Lama, and Amma the Hugging Saint. We also received teachings from lesser-known masters whom we met along our journey. In Dharmasala, the Himalayan town where the Dalai Lama lives in exile, we attended a month- long seminar with a Buddhist teacher named Chamtrul Rinpoche. Spending this much time studying esoteric Tibetan tantras was a precious gift, right in the middle of raising children. After class I would go sit meditation in the Dalai Lama’s temple. I touched a deeper, truer part of myself than I had felt for years. Our six weeks in Dharamsala were transformative for our whole family. I felt that the monkeys in the trees showed me where I was coming from, and the monks showed me where I wanted to go.

And the rugged conditions of travel in India – the crowded, chaotic train stations, and long bus rides in hot, packed, buses – afforded us the perfect opportunity to put the teachings into practice.

5. Did this trip change how you parent? Were those changes applied to daily life when you returned to the United States?

I would say that the trip helped me be more peaceful, open, present, content. These are the qualities one gains by spending time in the sacred places of India, in the company of the wise. Less driven by “shoulds” and worries from external pressures, I have been able to parent in a way that is more balanced, flexible, and respectful of my kids’ genuine needs as well as my own.

6. What were some of the challenges of traveling with kids? Some of the joys?

Traveling with kids is the best. First of all, people were so friendly to us everywhere we went, and I am sure our darling children had a lot to do with it. People love children the world over, and in India they were amazed to meet American children. There are NOT many American children traveling around India. We were sort of an oddity, and given warm welcomes and open doors again and again. We would also get thronged by children wanting to meet and shake hands with our daughters, and people wanted to take pictures of us all the time, too. “One snap, please, one snap?” They would say, aiming their cellphones at us. I felt it was a fair trade, since we were taking pictures of them and their country, too. Our kids are intrepid travelers. They grew up camping, and going to places like Rainbow Gatherings and even Burning Man with us, so they knew that magical places and challenging living conditions often go hand in hand. They were up for the adventure. I loved having this time with them, spending quality time with them instead of just driving them here and there, and nagging them about homework and bedtime.

The biggest challenge was when little Sophia got dysentery in Kerala. Another time, we all caught a flu in rapid succession, in a po-dunk town we found rather ghastly, in Rajasthan. We couldn’t leave, because as soon as one of us got better, someone else came down with it, and became too sick to travel. So we were quite stuck. That episode didn’t make it into the book – consider it bonus material. Dealing with sick kids is no fun at home or while traveling.

7. Do you have any tips for parents wanting to travel to India with their own children?

YES. Do your homework and learn about the seasons in India. India has three main season, the dry, the hot, and the wet (monsoon). Plan your itinerary around the ideal season for each location, and everywhere you go, you will be just in time for the amazing, once-a-year festival or event. This happened to us so often I almost called my book Just in Time! Also – pack light! Buy Indian clothes to wear when you get there so you fit in, and don’t bring more than you can comfortable carry on your back. Remember, you can buy anything you need, for cheaper and better, as you go. Except toilet paper. Keep a wad of it with you at all times.

8. Anything else?

People want to know it my book is just for Buddhists. My book is for anyone who dreams of travel, for parents who thirst for adventure, and for people who are open to seeking meaning in their lives beyond the acquisition of material things. What I learned about Buddhism is woven through the memoir, but the themes of love, compassion, and peace are universally relevant.

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Categories : Books, Exclusive Interviews, Parenting

A link between blessing and healing?

Posted by Matt Welsh

· April 10, 2019

· No Comments

By Pierre Pradervand

Blessing, in the meaning used on this site and in books* I have written on the practice of blessing, often results in healing. A perusal of the section on healing testimonies shows that numerous healings or resolutions of “impossible” situations have occurred through this practice: including a severe depression; very difficult relationships; being freed from captivity by rebel Tuaregs in the Sahara; finding deep peace after being abandoned by a spouse… the list is almost endless.

Blessing is not a healing technique, rather it is a loving impulse from the heart which surrounds a person or situation that arouses our compassion. I won’t give here a definition of blessing, which you will find in the basic text, but the experience of thousands of people all over the planet who have adopted this practice is that, after a while, it becomes a way of living and looking at the world. Some who practice blessing in their daily lives have reached the point where they spontaneously and above all instantaneously bless any form of suffering they encounter during the day, be it an old peasant woman carrying a load much too heavy for her (in which case blessing might lead to a concrete act of carrying her burden!), an aged prostitute trying to find one last client at 3a.m., a dictator bellowing on television, a wounded bird, a country field ravaged by a terrible thunderstorm. Everything can be a subject for blessing and has indeed become so for some who use this practice in viewing life and the world.

Every single blessing heals in that it brings peace, it acts as a balm to any suffering, and it expresses heartfelt joy in the presence of beauty, kindness or any other form of good.

One last comment. Most of us are familiar with the “little monkeys”, these totally ridiculous thoughts which invade out minds all the time (and especially when we try to meditate!). However, those little monkeys cannot enter a spirit which radiates thoughts of loving kindness, compassion and love all day long. Therefore, become this pillar of positive and quiet radiance wherever you go and be one of the numerous silent sentinels who are transforming the world from the inside and in total joyful anonymity.

*For books on blessing please visit 365 Blessings to Heal Myself and the World and The Gentle Art of Blessing

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Categories : Guest Posts