While growing up, I never felt “a part of” anything. I was never able to connect with my family or friends on an intimate level, even though human connection was all that I had been craving. I knew early on that something was different about me, but I could never pinpoint exactly what everyone else had that I did not. I was lonely even in the middle of a crowd and being alone happened to be my worst fear. I always had a creeping sense that something would go wrong, to the point of driving myself to full-blown panic attacks. Feeling alone and fearful, I began to act out at home. I would start screaming matches with my mom, which ultimately just drove a deeper wedge between the two of us over time.

As I got older, my mental despair just worsened. I could never find a reasonto explain the way I behaved, I just knew that I could not control myself. My head would start to spin and I hadn’t developed any tools to stop it. This led me to seek therapy, where I was diagnosed with OCD. OCD showed up for me as extreme anxiety, mostly social, and the constant inability to stay still or stop fidgeting with things. My doctor didn’t believe in medication, so we ended up trying the natural route.

With natural remedies not working to soothe my OCD symptoms, I started to self-medicate with men and substances. This led me into an extremely abusive relationship fueled by drugs, alcohol, and toxic feelings. The abuse gave me an “excuse” to use drugs at a more intense level, and I soon became addicted. I was suffering from co-occurring disorders that just kept building upon each other, worsening each day. Eventually, the drugs did not soothe my symptoms and the abusive relationship I was in led me to develop PTSD.

Once the drugs stopped working, I hit an emotional bottom. I couldn’t sleep due to nightmares from my PTSD, I could barely leave my house because of my anxiety, and I had a deep-rooted hatred for myself for allowing my life to get this bad. I played the victim for years and at this point, I began to blame myself. I felt hopeless, shameful, and completely numb all at the same time. These feelings led me to a suicide attempt, that landed me in a dual-diagnosis treatment center.

All of my life, I craved social connection but pushed it away at the same time. My whole identity was a contradiction. When I stepped foot into that treatment center, I finally felt welcomed and “a part of”. The thought of never using drugs or alcohol again terrified me but by some force, I was granted the sense that everything would work out for the first time. I still hated myself, but the support of other recovering addicts and medical professionals who truly wanted to see me get better allowed me to realize that maybe everything wasn’t my fault.

I was taught about how addiction and mental illness fuel each other and began to learn the proper coping mechanisms that I had lacked. I participated in individual therapy, group therapy, and 12-step meetings while in treatment. I began to learn how to build up my self-worth and I realized that if I don’t love myself, I will continue to hate everything else around me as well as myself. I was ready to quit living a life of unsatisfaction and despair, which meant I needed to look inside of myself and repair what was broken. Trauma therapy became my best friend. Eventually, the nightmares from my PTSD came to an end and my flashbacks are rare. Anxiety is still a struggle, but I have learned coping mechanisms that work more effectively than any drug ever has. I became willing to go through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and found a relationship with a higher power that has given me strength and purpose.

Going to treatment completely turned my life around for the better and gave me a strong foundation to build a real future upon. I went from completely hating myself, to being able to love and appreciate who I am as a person- inside and out. My devout atheism has been transformed into spirituality and faith, which has allowed me to trust in the process of life instead of trying to micromanage everything. My life today is filled with love, serenity, and trust.

About the Author:

Kailey Fitzgerald is a writer in the South Florida recovery community who is passionate about spreading awareness and breaking stigmas in relation to addiction and mental health.

By Kyle Swanson

Staying sober can be difficult especially for people in early recovery. The cravings and chance to relapse are higher within the first ninety days. Our mind and bodies are trying to adjust to life without addiction to drugs and alcohol. There are several things you can do to make a sober lifestyle easier. Here are some things I recommend based on my personal experience:

1. Physical exercise – Physical activity is great to occupy time and boredom. I believe it is important to keep yourself busy in early recovery. It is also beneficial for mental and emotional health. Staying active can help curb cravings in early recovery. I suggest finding a physical activity that suits you. A normal gym routine, working out at home, jogging/running, yoga and martial arts are a few great options. 

2. Meditation – Practicing meditation is great to calm the mind and body when feeling stressed out, anxious or depressed. Meditating teaches you how to relax, breathe and live in the present moment which is very helpful in early recovery.

3. Seek a therapist – There is nothing wrong with turning to a professional for further help, advice and guidance if you need to. A therapist may be able to see things from a different perspective and offer a unique approach to situations. A therapist is also great to speak to about certain things you may not feel comfortable talking to others about. 

4. Medication – If you struggle with addiction and have trouble quitting, I highly recommend medically assisted treatment. Medically assisted treatment can aid in both withdrawals and help you quit for good. This type of treatment is becoming more popular due to a higher success rate compared to other treatments for addiction.

5. Attend AA/NA meetings – Attending ninety meetings in ninety days is a common recommendation for people in early recovery. The first ninety days in early recovery are seen as the most critical as the cravings are stronger and chances of relapse are higher. Attending meetings is great for inspiration, knowledge and wisdom. It is also a great way to meet people who want to change their lives for the better. Meetings are a great way to build a strong support network. 

6. Find a home group for AA/NA – A home group is a meeting that you attend on a regular basis. I suggest attending various meetings in your area and find the one that suits you best. The sooner you find a home group in early recovery, the better. I suggest finding a meeting you thoroughly enjoy. I also recommend a meeting that you feel socially comfortable in. Find a group where you feel like you belong and fit into. You want a home group that can help you build a strong support network and friendships. 

7. Get a good sponsor – Finding a good sponsor is crucial in early recovery. A sponsor is basically someone who has been there, done that. Find a sponsor that you can relate to. I suggest finding someone who shares a similar story and path to sobriety as your own. I also recommend a sponsor with ten years or more of sobriety. You need a sponsor you can trust and learn from. A good sponsor should always make themselves open and available to you especially in times of need. A sponsor will also work you through the twelve steps. This is one more reason I suggest finding an excellent sponsor you connect with on every level.

8. Work a 12 -step program – Working a twelve steps program can be a grueling but rewarding process. The sponsor of your choice will be responsible for guiding you through these steps. I suggest starting the steps as soon as possible in recovery. The twelve steps are great for easing and removing the burdens we bear from active addiction. The steps give us an opportunity to re-establish connections with family, friends and loved ones. It allows us the possibility of forgiving ourselves and others as well. 

9. Read the Big Book – Reading the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous is highly recommended. The Big Book is a great spiritual guide. It is not only a guide to getting and staying sober, it is a guide to life. You will find inspiration and motivation. You will also find personal accounts of people that you can relate to. Reading the Big Book in your down time of early recovery can be beneficial. 

10. Build a strong support system with people who are sober – Build friendships and connections with people who support and share the same goal of getting clean and sober. AA or NA meetings and finding a home group is a great place to start. Build from the inside out in early recovery. Eventually you will feel more comfortable with who you are. You will begin to open yourself up to people and branch outside of the recovery community. 

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Kyle Swanson is a freelance writer recovering from drug addiction. He has found purpose in writing for websites such as Medically Assisted and sharing about his experiences. In his free time, he works with his local recovery community in hopes of guiding others to a life of sobriety.

In order to enter recovery successfully and really live a sober life, you need to be ready for a few things. One is, you need to absolutely let go of any control of your life at the moment. It has likely been chaotic at least recently and if you could of fixed it yourself you would have. It’s time to let other people, ones who have your best interest in mind, and whatever forces are in the universe to guide you in life. We call this surrender in recovery and it is the most vital part of getting sober. At the same time, it is also the hardest thing to do when getting sober.

In active addiction we are so locked into what our mind tells us to do that we will do things we never imagined possible. The slow down spiral of addiction (or fast sometimes) makes us slaves to the minds and the mind is exactly where our disease of addiction lies. When we promise others and ourselves that we are going to stop, because its getting out of control, our mind is the voice that tells us its okay to get high just one more time and then stop tomorrow. If you have ever dealt with or are currently dealing with addiction you know exactlywhat I am talking about.

So how do we counteract our sick minds from dominating us? We remove it from the equation. The main reason I personally have been able to stay sober for a few years is because in the beginning, I completely stopped listening to my own ideas about everything. I had relapsed too many times on my own ideas and I was so sick and tired of thinking that I knew what to do and that I was right. I went to treatment, did exactly as I was told, met some great people in an alumni program that was there, and when I left treatment I kept listening to others who had been where I had been before. My first year sober was so incredible because I had given up my will and fully accepted guidance in my life. Any other time I tried myself was such a failure compared to that.

It is also important to find someone in recovery who simply has what you want. Usually we spot this not by words but by actions and how someone carries themselves. After we have surrendered completely, we put it into the hands of whatever is out there to show us someone to now be our teacher. I know, it sounded crazy to me too. To let something out there people were calling ‘god’ or a ‘higher power’, something that I couldn’t see, and to trust it to introduce me to someone who can help save my life. Like I said I was all out of options at that time though, I had nothing to lose, so I trusted whatever is out there will introduce me to someone I need to meet and that’s exactly what happened not more than a day later.

Moments like that are what hooks us into recovery. The hardest part is first putting in the necessary work to get us to that first ‘aha!’ moment. Many people never get to it, go back out to addiction and don’t survive. If you are reading this and are just entering recovery, I beg you, leave the thinking up to somebody else for the time being and see how it goes. Worst case it doesn’t work and you can go back to whatever lifestyle you want. My first year sober was the best year of my life, finally living an honest and meaningful life is the greatest feeling you will ever experience. The hard part is getting there, let someone get you there.

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Daniel W is a writer in recovery from New Jersey who likes to share his experience with others to show that absolutely anyone can get sober provided they are ready to take action

Living in a state of constant gratitude can have a profound impact on a person’s emotions, state of mind, and overall outlook on life. Gratitude is an emotion characterized by thankfulness and appreciation of what one has or what one has experienced. In order to feel grateful, a person must acknowledge the blessings that they have in life, which can be a beneficial aspect in pointing individuals in recovery in the right direction.

During times of turmoil and distress, it is easy to become consumed by the struggles you may face in sobriety. Between making amends for past mistakes, dealing with medical issues, facing the consequences of addiction, and possibly experiencing the loss of a loved one, it can be difficult to ruminate on the positive things in life. However, taking a moment during difficult times to identify your blessings and gratitude can help you endure any struggles you may face in sobriety. For more information on drug and alcohol addiction and treatment you can visit https://www.addictions.com/drug-alcohol-addiction/.

The Importance of Gratitude

Maintaining a gracious heart and soul in sobriety is an extremely important aspect of recovery. First and foremost, gratitude helps remind oneself of the positive things in life rather than becoming enveloped in the negatives. When facing great tribulation, try focusing on the friends and family you have who are there to love and support you. Focus on the little things in life that make you happy, whether it be sports, art, nature, or something as simple as laughter. Maintaining gratitude can transform struggles and difficult things into opportunities for strength and growth.

Gratitude is a key to happiness. A person who focuses on the negatives, or the things they don’t have, is bound to live an unsatisfied, unfulfilled life. However, a person who is grateful will have a more positive outlook on life as a whole. Having a negative outlook on life can make you more susceptible to relapse and misery, however, being grateful can help you attain happiness and stay sober.

Fostering a Grateful Heart

Gratitude is more than just a feeling – it involves action. When you are sad, sitting in a dark room alone doesn’t change the way you feel. It only makes it worse. On the other hand, if you reach out to your support group, talk about your feelings, and cope with your emotions in healthy ways, you have taken action to change the way you feel. Gratitude works in the same way.

Keep a Gratitude Journal

There is a variety of ways you can foster a grateful heart in sobriety through your actions. One method is by keeping a gratitude journal. Try keeping a small journal by your bedside table. Each night before going to sleep, make a list of things you are grateful for. These can be small tidbits or grandiose gestures – there is no right or wrong way to make a gratitude list. The next morning when you wake up, begin your day on a positive note by reading over your gratitude list from the night before. This will help remind you of your blessings and start your day off with a positive mindset.

Give Thanks

Another effective way of demonstrating action behind gratitude is by giving thanks. When somebody does something nice for you, be sure to thank them and express how much that person means to you. Regardless of how small a gesture may seem, showing appreciation and giving thanks clearly demonstrates your gratitude towards even the smallest situations in life.

On the contrary, give thanks to troublesome situations as well. Situations are not always what they appear to be and you never know what benefits may come from a negative situation. If you are a spiritual person, remind yourself that God puts you in the exact place you need to be during each moment of every day. Give thanks for the experience you have encountered, and wait to see what you can learn from it.

Help Others

Helping others is not only the foundation stone of recovery, but it is also a way to show appreciation for the sober life you have been given. Think of when you first embarked on your journey of recovery. Remember all of the people that helped you, requiring nothing in return. Maybe a stranger sat and talked with you over a cup of coffee, or maybe somebody gave you advice on a situation you were experiencing. Showing gratitude for the people who have helped you can be done by passing these gestures along to the next sick and suffering alcoholic or addict. Whether helping others is done directly or indirectly, it is bound to promote a sense of self-worth and purpose. Helping others gives you an opportunity to find gratitude in your purpose and in the fact that you have something to give to others.

A Grateful Recovery

Living in a constant state of gratitude in sobriety can provide you with a path to happiness, help you avoid becoming enveloped in negative thinking, and help you maintain sobriety in the long term. Having and practicing gratitude will help you stay connected to your emotions, your support group, and your own personal recovery.

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Cassidy Webb is an avid writer who works with JourneyPure to spread awareness around the disease of addiction. Her passion in life is to help others by sharing her experience, strength, and hope.

By Dave McCall

I was born and raised in a small, rather boring town. I always wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am. It was difficult for me to love and appreciate myself. I always seemed to find love and comfort at the bottom of a bottle. The truth is my love for alcohol prevented me from achieving and acquiring a lot of things. I dropped out of college because drinking was my major. I lost friends, girlfriends and family because alcohol was my one true love. I was a real-life Jekyll and Hyde when it came to being sober versus being drunk.

Liquid Courage

Alcohol made me feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin. The “liquid courage” boosted my confidence and ego. It changed what I thought was a cruel, cold world into my own fun, reckless playground. Alcohol was my medicine. I used it to drown in my own sorrows, mistakes and failures. I thought alcohol was always a solution to every problem rather than just a problem. I always tried to find an excuse to drink– holidays, sporting events, vacations, etc. I was a short-fused firecracker enough as it was sober. My drinking shortened that fuse, if not set it off completely. My family had told me on several occasions I had a drinking problem. I was too ignorant and stubborn as a young teen and young adult. I kept being told alcohol alters moods, brain chemistry and behavior even when sober. Knowing what I know now and feeling the way I feel now, I believe it to be true. I was an angry, irritable person in general. Drinking intensified it. I found myself frequently getting into fights and arguments with my family. The cops were called on a few occasions. I would also find myself getting wasted and initiating senseless fights at parties.

Alcohol: My One True Love

I was never able to maintain a stable love life due to my love for drinking. I was too ignorant to see the correlation between my drinking and failed relationships. Certain events throughout one particular relationship created jealousy, selfishness, arrogance, complacency and pride. I was a belligerent alcoholic. I said and did whatever I wanted without thinking about short or long term consequences. I could not slip out of the insanity of alcoholism. I could not learn from my mistakes. Every time I felt like a relationship was failing, I would resort to drinking rather than attempt to put any effort into changing my ways. I was a true alcoholic. I was selfish. I always put my love for drinking over love for myself, family, friends or lovers.

The Truth Comes Out

As I got older, I came to the sad conclusion that I was no longer drinking to be happy. I was drinking because I was insecure and unhappy with who I was as a person. How can anyone love me if I cannot love myself first? I thought alcohol hid my flaws and character defects. Instead, it only exposed my flaws and weaknesses. I loved alcohol because I thought it helped me love myself. I loved alcohol so much I thought it would be the death of me. Everyone who cared about me could see I was plunging myself into an alcoholic abyss. The truth is, I did not care. Why should I? My drinking had cost me jobs, higher education, family, friends and lovers. Why not pay the price with my own life? Alcohol took half my life away from me. Finally, a trip to rehab helped me understand myself and the curse of alcoholism. Since then, my sobriety clock keeps ticking, however, people such as myself can never get too complacent. We wake up with the disease of alcoholism every day. We must rely on a power greater than ourselves to not pick up a drink again. Sobriety has given me a whole new perspective on life. Sobriety has given me clarity. I can acknowledge and accept the error of my ways. I can forgive myself for the damage I had done to family, friends and lovers. I know it was not the real me. I hope everyone who was unfortunate to cross paths with me during that time knows it too.

Bio
Dave McCall is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. He writes for websites such as https://www.taylorrecovery.com in hopes of spreading awareness on addiction and alcoholism. He stays active in his recovery community, encouraging others to live and enjoy a sober lifestyle.