By Brigitte Shipman
When I heard the words “Your son is autistic.” I left my body. I remember sitting and feeling my body become numb. My ears instantly had a deafening ring. I could feel my life changing in an instant. I felt like Dorothy being swept up from a giant black tornado. I was spinning in black and white color. All I could do was sit until my legs had their feeling back so that I could stand up to leave the meeting that forever changed my life. Hearing my son’s autism diagnosis back in 1996 (which felt like a life sentence back then), I began to question everything. My heart was filled with pain, so I went to my head and tried to make sense of what was happening to my son.
In the deepest corner of my core, I knew it was an accurate diagnosis, but my mind could not accept what I had heard about my beautiful son’s daunting future. Denial is powerful. It takes over when you aren’t able to absorb the information that is too big.
I have defined denial as a natural defense to protect our hearts when the pain is too big for our mother’s soul. We all have pain that is too big, and so until we can move through pain, we fight with all our might to prove that perhaps it is not true. I know that is what I did.
My roller coaster ride of denial went on for months. I followed the professionals’ advice with therapy and worked with Joseph around the clock, but my heart was fighting our harsh reality of a lifelong disability. At this point accepting what our new reality was becoming was a million miles from where I was standing.
Accepting Acceptance
Getting to acceptance has no standard compass that anyone can follow. It is simple but brutal. We must feel our pain. Once we begin to feel our pain we can move into accepting what is before us and what is in the moment. Acceptance, in essence, is how we set ourselves free.
The truth is, you only have a forecast of what is to be, and all you know for sure is what is in the moment. I see my son who is now 33 and living on his own. I have no crystal ball that lets me know if he will succeed and be happy in his life. All I know at this moment is that he is happy and excited to see what is next. If I had tried to forecast his future when he was diagnosed, I would have had a much darker outcome based on what I was being told.
Acceptance is giving yourself permission to come out of the darkness. To break out of what might or might not be true for the future. It is all about taking a breath and having faith that you got this. Whatever this is. The truth is, your story of the future has not been written yet. You can decide to edit and make the outcome much happier. No matter what, all is well.
I know firsthand how huge fear can be to get up off your knees and begin to accept the work and pain that is before you on this journey. I also know you can do it with love, support, and hope.
If this is triggering you, then maybe you are not ready to begin your journey out of the darkness just yet. What I say to that is, perfect. If your pain is too big today then do something for yourself that feels like a warm, soft blanket wrapped around you when you are cold. Nourish yourself.
If you feel like you might be ready to take your first tiny step towards freedom with acceptance, then I am going to offer you very small steps to break free from your pain.
Tiny Step Towards Acceptance:
- Take 3 big deep breaths.
- Reach deep inside to find one small piece of gratitude.
- If you are searching for gratitude, shift to your child’s smile. Picture this smile.
- Feel your gratitude. This will offer you hope.
- Breathe in the love you feel for your child. Love trumps all.
Use this mantra each day as many times a day as you need it: All is well. I will be okay. We will be okay.
You may choose to write your own, but please use this one if it helps you move forward on your acceptance journey.
Sit in silence each day. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time. Use this time however you choose to help calm you.
While you are in a moment of silence, use your 3 big breaths. You may also use your mantra to help you know that all is well.
If you feel yourself losing hope, find that small piece of gratitude. Feel yourself shift back into hopefulness.
Remember above all to be kind to yourself. When you practice self-kindness, you are able to have the strength to set yourself free and live with acceptance of your pain.
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Brigitte M. Volltrauer Shipman is an author, life coach, speaker, and teacher. She specializes in coaching mothers with children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Her current book is A Mother’s Guide Through Autism, Through The Eyes of The Guided. She is also the author of Is It a God Thing?