How a psychologist can help you find a compatible romantic partner

Most people say that opposites attract and it is helpful to find a partner with opposite personality characteristics to balance you out. In my opinion and personal experience, this is bad advice and a recipe for incompatibility. For example, if you like to have things planned out ahead of time and are very well organized, but your partner is much more sponatenous, then that spontaneity can drive you crazy. Similarly, if your partner is very active, talkative, extroverted, and always likes to be around people and you would rather enjoy a quiet night to yourself, are less talkative, and a bit introverted, then it is likely that you will have more conflicts and disagreements about how to spend your time with your partner. This doesn’t mean that you have to share every interest and personality trait, but in general having similar personality traits, values and interests can lead to greater harmony, less conflicts, and more peace in a relationship.

Similarly, your attachment dimension and how it interacts with your partner’s attachment dimension  can determine your potential compatibility in a relationship. Another word for attachment dimension is your preferred degree of intimacy or closness level in a romantic relationship. Attachment dimension in a romantic relationship refers specifically to how much closeness and distance you prefer to have in a romantic relationship. For example, knowing how much time you prefer to spend with your partner and how much time you prefer to be by yourself in a relationship is an important personality trait to be aware of in yourself and your partner. If you prefer to have more alone time or time for yourself to recharge and your partner prefers to spend all of their time with you and does not prefer for you to have as much alone time for yourself to recharge, then that is a recipe for high conflict and incompatibility.

Attachment dimensions in romantic relationship is something that psychologists have studied in depth. Recent researchers and psychologists have described three types of attachment dimensions or attachment styles:

1. Secure attachment dimension

2. Insecure-anxious attachment dimension

3. Insecure-avoident attachment dimension

People have all various degress of all three types of these attachment dimensions or personality traits. However, their degree varies in each individual and some may have stronger levels of a certain attachment dimension. For example, some people have greater degrees of insecure-anxious attachment. People who have high levels of insecure-ANXIOUS attachment dimensions typically prefer to have excessive levels of closeness in romantic relationships and excessive fears of abandonment. Other traits of having high levels of insecure-anxious attachment dimension include:

– Having a high desire to get close to people that may scare them off

– Wanting to spend excessive amounts of time with a partner

– Feeling anxious or resentful when a partner wants to spend time alone

– Needing excessive reassurance, approval, emotional support from a partner

– Wanting to completely merge your identity into your relationship or with your partner

– Excessive and unhealthy expression of emotion and difficulty regulating emotion

– Viewing normal conflicts in a relationship as a threat to the stability of a relationship or their identity

– Constantly texting or calling your partner to check in

– Feeling threatened or anxious when your partner is away on a business or work trip

On the other hand, people who have high levels of insecure-AVOIDANT attachment dimensions typically fear closeness in a romantic relationship and want excessive levels of independence in a relationship. Other traits of high levels of insecure-avoidant dimension include:

– Fearing feeling engulfed in a relationship

– Repression or suppression of emotion

– Difficulty with telling your partner your authentic feelings

– Feeling uncomfortable and pulling away when you get too close to a romantic partner

– Needing excessive alone time

– Not feeling comfortable discussing your concerns or difficulties with your partner

– Being overly independent or distant in a relationship

In the middle and ideal is to have high levels of secure-attachment dimension. People with high levels of secure attachment dimension want a healthy balance of distance and closeness and intimacy in a relationship. High levels of secure-attachment dimension include

– Relationships based on interdepenced rather than dependence or excessive independence

– Feeling comfortable with intimacy in a relationship

– Viewing conflicts with your partner as a chance to better understand your partner, share your feelings, and grow your relationship

– Generally having benevolent views of your partner’s intentions.

– Allowing a healthy balance of time for yourself and your own interests, allowing your partner to have time for their own unique interests, and having time to be together with your partner

Like, many personality traits, it is not possible or healthy to strive for perfection. Everyone posseses elements of avoidant, anxious, and secure attachment dimensions. However, if we can better recognize and understand our attachment dimensions and our romantic partner or potential romantic partner’s attachment dimensions, then that can help us pick a romantic partner who we are compatible with and have a harmonious relationship with. Additionally, if we can recognize some of the strengths and challenges of our own attachment dimensions, then we can adapt them over time to help us become better romantic partners.

If you are concerned that your attachment dimension may be preventing your from finding a compatible romantic partner or from having a secure romantic relationship, then it may be helpful to talk to a psychologist or therapist. For more information on how to use couples counseling to get your relationship back on track, please visit