Excerpt reprinted with permission from Addiction Is A Family Disease, by Art Dielhenn
The Family Disease
If I could go back to the beginning of my addiction, knowing what I know now, I would warn you:
I am sick, and my disease will make you sick too.
It will make your life miserable.
I will use your love to manipulate and control you.
I will steal from you, lie to you, and trick you into doing things for me that I should be doing for myself.
My addiction will turn you into an addict too—addicted to caring for me, fixing me, changing me, and saving me.
You won’t know it’s happening until it’s too late.
You can’t save me, but you can save yourself.
So . . . don’t you dare love me! Love yourself instead.
It helps to know that our problem is well understood. Here’s a passage from Paths to Recovery, the handbook of Al-Anon, the international support group for families and friends of those affected by the disease of alcoholism.
“[T]he alcoholism of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? Unlike diabetes, addiction not only exists inside the body of the addict but is a disease of relationship as well. Many of the symptoms of alcoholism are in the behavior of the alcoholic—and also appear in the loved one. The people who are involved with the alcoholic react to this behavior. They try to control it, make up for it, or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually, they become emotionally disturbed themselves.”
Trapped and Clueless
For those of us who love an addict, the heartbreak can be relentless and unbearable. At first, we can be clueless. Then we might start seeing signs but choose to ignore them. We give our addict the benefit of the doubt, telling ourselves:
Kids will be kids. She’ll outgrow her phone addiction.
It’s best not to overreact.
My husband’s too successful to have a drug problem.
Well, the kid’s got to eat.
Oh, he only parties on the weekends.
I thought she stopped going to the casino.
Then things might get so bad our selective awareness or denial can no longer shield us from what’s so obvious to others. We are finally forced to admit that someone we love has a real problem. It can be so scary that we jump in to fix it, and we keep trying to fix it—relentlessly
This compulsion to fix and save can be as powerful as any drug. We can’t stop telling them what to do, how to straighten up, how to get better. And it’s this very struggle that can defeat us too.
Love dictates that we accomplish the impossible.
Of course, I will help if my addict needs help!
I’ll do whatever it takes even sacrifice myself.
How could I do otherwise?
We become trapped in this family disease of hidden consequences. It can come as a shock. It did for me.
Are you aware of what’s happening?